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There was a meeting of all the Sardar freedom fighters. They were planning for a free Punjab.
 
Santa Singh raised a point, "Oh...we'll take Punjab from India but how would we develop it?" That was a tough one indeed.
 
Banta Singh had a brainwave... "No problem! We'll attack Amrika, it would take over us and then we would become a State of USA and develop automatically."
 
All the sardars became happy with this very simple solution but an old sardar was not. Someone asked him why he wasn't happy.
 
The old sardar replied, "THAT'S ALL VERY WELL... WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE WE TOOK OVER AMRIKA???"

Sardarji went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied.
 
He hurried home removed his turban and changed his hair style, and returned to tell the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," Salesman replied.

 
"Damn, he recognised me," he thought. He went for a complete disguise this time, haircut, new hair colour, new outfit, big sunglasses, waited a few days, saw the salesman again. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied.

 
Frustrated, he exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a Sardar?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.

Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower. Sardarji says "Yes".

 
"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was made a fool by that man.
 
 
On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock. "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."

 
The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."

Bantu returns from his first day at school and immediately questions hisfather. "Dad, today we had a Spelling Class - All the other kids could only say half the alphabet, but I knew the whole thing. Is that because I am Sardar?" "No son, that's because you are intelligent. "

 
Bantu seeming content with the answer, asks his father another question, "Dad, today we had Math class - All the other kids could only count from 1-10, I could count from 1 to 20. Is this because I am Sardar ??" "No son, that's because you are intelligent," replies his father.

 
Happy with the answer, Bantu poses another question to his father,
"Dad,today we had Medical Examination, all the other boys were shorter than me, I was atleast twice their height. Is that because I am Sardar ??" The father replies, "No son, that's because you are 31 years old.

Sardarji goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?" The clerk replies, "That is a Thermos flask."
 
The Sardar asks, "What does it do?" The clerk responds, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The Sardar says, "I'll take it!"
 
The next day, he walks into work with his new Thermos. His Sardar boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object with you?"
 
He said, "It's a Thermos flask." The boss asks, "What does it do?" He replies, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"
 
The Sardar replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."

Banta car ki battery change karwane gaya ...

Mechanic - Sahab, Exide ki daal doon ?

Banta - Nahin yaar, dono side ki daal de, warna phir problem hogi.

*************

Banta on an interview for the post of detective was asked a question

Interviewer - Who killed Gandhiji ?

Banta - Thanks for giving me the job, I will investigate.

*************

Banta was fond of detective novels, he always read from the middle, why ?

Its double interesting. It builds curiosity not only about its end but also its beginning !

*************

Banta returns book to library, bangs it on table & says - What a shit ?

"I read the whole book, too many character, no story at all" ?.

Librarian : So, you are the one who took the Telephone Directory....

*************

2 Days of Powercut in India made life miserable. Worst affected was Amritsar where all the SARDARS were stuck for 48 hrs. on Escalaters.....

*************

Banta driving a Car, one puts on the indicator and asks Santa to check whether it is working.

He puts his head out and says - YES..NO..YES..NO..YES..NO

*************


Banta : Oye to har SMS ko do baar kyom bhej raha hai ?

Santa : Kyunki tujhe agar ek forward karna ho to dusra tere paas rahe !!!

1
Sardar: I hav'nt slept all nite in the train.
Friend: Y?
Sardar: Got upper berth.
Friend: Y did'nt u Xchnged?
Sardar: oye, there was nobody 2 Xchng in the lower Berth..

2
Sardar tells a girl "Come 2 my house at night, nobody
Will b there.............
Girl goes at night & really nobody was there

3
A SARDAR went 2 a BANK to open a S.B. A/C.
After seeing the Form He had gone to DELHI for
Filling up. U knows y?
FORM said " FILL UP IN CAPITAL ".

4
A sardar invested 2 Lakhs in a business and Suffered
huge Loss.
Do u know what the business was? . . . . .
He opened a Saloon in Punjab!.

5
A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after
Every 10 sec a women gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!.

6
Sardar-why r all these people running?
Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar-If only the winner will get the cup, why r
others running?

7
Sardar had twins; he named them Tin Martin.
Again had twins & named Peter & Repeater.
again twins & named Max & Climax.
Again d same. disgusted Sardar named them
TIRED&RETIRED!

8
19 SARDARS WENT 4A FILM.ON ASKING THEM Y THEY CAME
IN A BIG GROUP OF 19? THEY REPLIED THAT THE FILM WAS
ONLY FOR ABOVE 18...

9
A sardharji photographer focusing a dead body's face
in a funeral function, suddenly all relatives beat
him why?
He said "SMILE PLEASE"

10
Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence
into future tense.
Sardar: The future tense is "u will go to jail".

11
Srdr gets ready ,wears tie, coat ,goes out, climbs
tree, sits on the branch regularly. A man asks why
he does this.
Srdr:"I've been promoted as branch manager."

12
Sardarji standing below a tube light with a open
mouth................. WHY?
because his doctor advised him "Todays dinner should be light"_-=

13
Sardarji was filling up application form for a job.
He was not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary Expected".
After much thought he wrote : Yes!

14
SARDAR & FAMILY GO 2 A PARTY.

HE INTRODUCES HIMSELF
- I SARDAR, SHE SARDARNEE,
THE BOY MY KID & THE GIRL MY KIDNEY....

15
One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to
his college.
U knw Why?
Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking...

16
Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant: It"s already raining.
Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go.

17
Santa! Your daughter has died!
Depressed, Sardar jumps from 100th floor
At 50th floor he remembers I don't have a daughter!
At 25flr:I'm unmarried!
At 10flr:I'm Banta not santa

18
ON A ROMANTIC DATE SARDARS GIRL FRIEND ASKS
HIM,DARLING ON OUR ENGAGEMENT WILL U GIVE ME A RING?
HE SAID YA SURE WHATS YOUR PHONE NUMBER

19
Sardar found the answer to the most difficult
question ever - What will come first, Chicken or
egg?
O Yaar, what ever u order first will come first.

20
A dog was chasing a Sardar and the Sardar was
laughing.
A bystander: why are u laughing?
Sardar: I have a Air cell phone but still hutch
network is following me.

21
Sardar wins 20 cr from Rs. 20 lottery ticket.
Dealer gave 11 cr after deducting tax.
Angry Sardar: "Give me 20 cr or else return my 20 Rs
back.!

22
A teacher told all students in a class to write an
essay on a cricket match.
All were busy writing except one Sardarji.He wrote
"DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"

23
Postman:- I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U This
Packet Sardar:- why did u come so far. Instead u
could have posted it....

24
What does a sardar do after taking a xerox?
He will compare it with the original for any
spelling mistakes.


25
Sardar proposed a Girl......Girl said 'I'm 1yr elder
to you'...........
Sardar said 'Oye No Problem Soniye,I'll marry you
NEXT YEAR.


26
WHY CANT SARDARS DIAL NINE-ELEVEN (911) AT
EMERGENCY?
** THEY CAN NOT FIND THE ELEVEN ON THE PHONE.


27
Sardar & his wife buy coffee in a shop.
Sardar says... Drink quickly......
Wife asks why...
sardar says hot coffee Rs5 and cold coffee Rs10

28
A Sardar & his wife filed an application 4 Divorce.
Judge asked: How'll U divide, U"VE 3 children?
Sardar replied: Ok! We"ll
apply NEXT YEAR

29
Sardar's wish :when i die,i wana die lik my grandpa
who died peacefuly in his sleep not screamin like
all d passengers in d car he was driving..



30
Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible
looking thing is what you call modern art ?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!

32
Sardar was writing something very slowly.
Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?
Sardar: "I'm writing 2 my 6 yr old son, he can't
read very fast.

33
Sardar news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a graveyard
in Punjab . Local sardars have so far found 500
bodies and are still digging for more..

34
A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes
walking at evening not in the morning. Sardarji
replied "Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM".

35
Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital. Man
says CHIN YU YAN n dies.
Srdr goes2 china 2 find meaning of friends last
words.
It is 'U R STANDNG ON OXYGEN TUBE!"
36
Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with
his eyes closed.
His wife asked what you are doing ?
He said-im seeing how i look while sleeping.

Tutor to Santa: wat is u r father's name.
Sanat: BEAUTYFUL RED UNDERWEAR.
Tutor: R u joking?
Santa: NO SIR! MY FATHERS'S NAME IS "SUNDER LAL CHADDHA"

Santa Banta ko 3 live bomb mile.
Santa: Chal police ko de kar aate hain.
Banta: Agar koi bum raste main hi phat gaya to?
Santa: Jhoot bhol denge, ki 2 hi mile the.

SANTA going with his sister, Some shouts "Oye, ,mashoka le ker kahan
nikle"
SANTA gets furious & slap him & says" Oye. mashoka hogi tero. Meri to
behan hai"!

An American and a Sardar were walking down the street when the
American exclaimed-- look a dead bird.
The Sardar looks towards the sky and says -- where, where ??

Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks...
takes along some wine and chicken with him.
Somebody stops him and asks,
Kyon bhai ye sab kyun leke baithe ho?
Sardarji replies, Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na marjaun

Santa Singh returned back from the cinema hall without watching the
cinema.what was the name of the cinema?
Ans:NO ENTRY

Santa : Which is the most painful delivery in world?
Banta : sunny deol ki maa ki.
Santa : woh kaise?
Banta : woh nikla gaddi le ke.....


Santa dials a number, A girl recieves the call
santa: who r u?
girl: sita
santa: maine to chandigarh phone kiya tha, yeh to
yeh to ayodhya mil gaya.

A sardar on an interview for the post of detective was asked a question -

Interviewer - Who killed Gandhiji ?

Sardar - Thanks for giving me the job, I will investigate.


SANTA : car me battery lagwane gaya, Mechanic ne poocha "EXIDE" ki
lagaun?
SANTA bole: yaar, bar-bar kaun ayega DONO SIDE KI LAGADE

1. Santa : What is the meaning of SMS ?
Banta : It Means...

S - Sardaro ka
M - Mazaak udane ki
S - Service



2. Sardarji opens his lunch box in the middle of the road....why ?
Just to confirm whether he is going to or coming back from the office



3. A sardar saw a beautiful girl.
he went and kissed her.
GIRL: "stupid,what are you doin...?"
Sardar: " B.Com Final Year....




4. Santa was driving car zigzag on the road. Traffic inspector stopped him. Santa: Sir, I am learning the car. Inspector: without instructor? Santa: Sir, this is a correspondence course.



5. Once a school teacher told kids to write an essay on cricket match. Everybody was busy writing except santa, he wrote "Match cancelled due to rain".



6. Petrol ke rate badhne par Santa bola: "Menu koi farak nahin penda. Pehle bhi 100 ka bharwata tha ab bhi 100 ka bharwata hoon."



7. A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell.
Santa does not turns up for 4 days.
Lady calls again, Santa replies: I am coming daily from 4 days, I press the bell, but no one comes out.



8. Santa khali kadahi me chammach chala raha tha to Banta ne poocha kya bana rahe ho? Santa- BEWAKOOF bana raha hoon..




9. A man told santa: Banta is kissing your wife.
Santa hurriedly rushed to home, within half hour came back angrily and slapped the man and said: He is not Banta.



10. Santa is repeatedly buying movie tickets.
On being asked, santa replied: A man standing at the entry, tears my ticket everytime.

The LAST BUS!!!!


Two drunks stumble out of a pub in Ireland at about 4:00 in themorning.They stagger to the nearest lamppost and lean against it when alongcomesa policeman.
The first drunk pipes up, "Excuse me, ossifer, but I wonder could youtellme if the last bus to Dublin has left yet." To which the policemanreplies"Of course it has. It's 4:00 in the morning."
The second drunk then weighs in and says, "Sorry, sir, but I wonder ifthelast bus to Galway has left yet." The officer again replies "Of courseithas. It's 4:00 in the morning."
The first drunk then starts up again and asks, "Could you tell meplease,ossifer, has the last bus to Cork gone yet."
The policeman is really irritated now so he shouts, "It's 4am, all thebloody buses have gone!"
And with that the first drunk turns to his friend and says, "Ok, Mick,wecan cross the road now."


Banta in France

Banta Singh was a business graduate, and had been out of school forseveral years. He had established a furniture store and was doing quitewell. He decided to expand the lines he carried by adding some expensive French furniture he knew no one else in town carried.
He scheduled a buying trip to France. Banta's first day in Paris was very successful and he found a number of pieces he thought he could profitably sell back home. After the arrangements were made to begin shipping this furniture home, he decided to celebrate with a glass of wine in a small sidewalk cafe.
The place was jammed, but he managed to find an empty table. Just aboutthe time his wine arrived, a beautiful girl came by and motioned to the empty chair at his table with a questioning look on her face.
He assumed she wanted to sit with him and nodded his head "yes." Thegirlsat down with him. The girl tried to talk to him, but, alas, he understood not one word of French. He tried to talk to her, but, alas, she understood not one word of Punjabi. He had an idea. He took a napkin and drew awineglass and a question mark. She nodded her head "yes." They sat quietlyenjoying their wine.
When it was just about finished, Banta realised it was nearly time fordinner. He took another napkin and drew a picture of two people at atableeating dinner. She nodded her head "yes" and took him by the hand. Sheledhim down the street to a very nice restaurant. They went in. The girlspoke with the head waiter and they were seated in a quiet corner wherethey could hear the band playing and see the dance floor. Banta couldnotread the menu since it was in French, so he allowed the girl to orderforhim. The food was excellent and the couple thoroughly enjoyed it.
After dinner, Banta took a napkin and drew a picture of a coupledancing.
She nodded her head "yes" and they danced to every song the bandplayed,whether fast or slow. When the band quit playing and began to pack awaytheir instruments, the couple returned to their table.
The girl took a napkin and reached for Banta's pen. He handed it to herand she drew a picture of a four poster bed..........!
Banta is still wondering to this day how she knew he was in thefurniturebusiness...

SOME SWEET EXTREMES !
EXTREME OF ISOLATION:Two persons sitting side by side using emails to communicate with eachother.

EXTREME OF COWARDICE:Two persons fighting through emails.

EXTREME OF HELPLESSNESS:Receiving no emails for a week.

EXTREME OF FRUSTRATION:The email server being down.

EXTREME OF CARELESSNESS:Writing a love mail and doing a 'Send All.'

EXTREME OF ACHIEVEMENT:A person sending email to a girl wanting to become friends and getting a reply.

EXTREME OF TIMEPASS:A person sending email to himself.

EXTREME OF REPETITION:
Forwarding an email to someone and receiving the same email forwardedback to you by some one in the receiving chain.

EXTREME OF BROWSING:You are swimming in the water tank and shout "F1 F1 F1?" instead ofshouting "HELP" when u are unable to swim..

EXTREME OF MY FRIENDSHIP:I always mail, u don't.

EXTREME OF HAVING NO WORK:You reading such mails.

Sardar 1:- Marte Waqt Aadmi Ko Kya Dena Chahiye?
Sardar2:-Birla cement
Sardar1:-Kyun?
Sardar2:- Kyunki Is Cement Mein Jaan Hain

*********************************************

Once a sardar calls another sardar on the phone and says "Hi, Main Bol Raha
Hoon".
The other sardar replies "Kamaal Hain, Ithe Vi Main Bol Raha Hoon!"

*********************************************

A Sardar had called an Englishman for lunch. There was curd on the table.
The guest asked what is this?
The Sardar didn't know English, he said "Milk sleeping in night, morning
becomes tight"

*********************************************

Once a sardarji tries to cheat the Indian railways. He is thinking for a
novel idea. He thinks a lot and finally he did one thing, he bought the
ticket and didn't travel.

*********************************************

A sardar was drawing money from ATM. The sardar behind him in the line
said,
"Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. Its 4 asterisks(****).
The first sardar replies, " Ha! Ha! Haaa! U r wrong. Its 1258."


*********************************************

What is the height of stupidity?
2 sardarjies sitting on a motorcycle & fighting for a window seat

*********************************************

Did you hear about the sardarji who is so rich he has two swimming
pools,one of which is always empty?
It's for people who can't swim!

*********************************************

Santa Singh: Will this bus take me to Jalandhar?
Driver: Which part?
Santa Singh: All of me, of course!

*********************************************

What do you call a Sardarji in a deep well?
A deep thinker..

*********************************************

Sardarji calls Air India. 'How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?'
'Just a sec,' says the customer service assistant.
'Thank you.' says the Sardarji and hangs up.

*********************************************

Santa Singh goes to a TV shop and asks, 'Aap ke paas color TV hai kya?'
'Haan' replies shopowner.
Santa Singh says, 'Ek hara vala dena!'

*********************************************

Once Santa Singh was riding a cycle and he suddenly hit a girl! So girl
shouted, 'Sala ghanti nahi maar sakta tha!!!'
And sardarji replied, 'Poori cycle to maar di ab ghanti alag se
maroon??!!!'

*********************************************

Banta Singh happened to be in a queue at a railway station ticket counter
with two men ahead of him.
Ek Punjab Mail dena.' demanded the man in front. He was given a ticket.
'Ek Punjab Mail dena.' the second man asked and was handed a ticket.
Then came the turn of Banta Singh, 'Ek Punjab female dena!'
'What do u mean by Punjab female?' asked the clerk.
'It is for my wife' replied Banta Singh.

SARDAR APNI PATNI KE SATH PALANG PE APNI PATNI SE BOLA:
AMINE 5 MALE AUR 4FEMALE MACHHAR KO MAR DALA. PPATNI TUMHE KAISE PATA CHALA. SARDAR:5 TUMHARI BRA PE AUR 4 MERI CHADDI PE BEITHE THE

. Jurassic Park
This sardarji goes to see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start
approaching, he was hiding under his seat when his friend asks him ;kyon
sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai.; Sardarji
replies ;Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai, lekin voh to
janwar hai, usko kya pata"


2. Brain Tumor
There's a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street. All the
sardars in the 'mayyat' are dancing the bhangra and singing and general
'balle balle' is on. The people on the street find it strange that instead
of mourning everyone is celebrating as if its marriage baraat. So one of
them asks Santa Singh, ;Singh Saab, aapka koi sage wala gujar gaya hai aur
aap naach rahe ho?; .....comes the reply, ;Haan ji! Hai hi baat badi kushi
ki!!! Aaj paheli baar ek sardar brain tumour se mara hai!!!;


3. Photocopy
One Sardar needed two plain papers but he had only one. Do you know what
he did: photocopied the one which he had. sardar are fun aren't


4. European Closet
Santa and Banta went to US They have stayed a five star hotel. Santa don't
know how to use the European closet he dropped everything in a packet and
placed it on one of the leaves of the fan. Banta came and switch on the
fan and everything spread on the wall When the room boy came Santa gave a
10 dollars and told him to wash it off . But the Room boy gazed at it for
a five minutes and taken a 25 dollars from the pocket and told to Santa "I
will give you this 25 dollars if you say how did u do it so beautifully".


5. One more Plane Crash
Garbachan singh was traveling from Calcutta to Bombay by a plane, There
were one American, one Russian, one Pakistani and some other passengers.
Suddenly something went wrong pilot alarmed that plane lost it's control
and some of the passengers have to jump out to rescue the rest of them.
Firstly the American jumped out saying "Jai America" again the condition
didn't change then the Russian jumped out from the plane saying "Jai
Russia". But the condition still the same. The next is Garbachen's turn he
hesitated for a moment and pulled out the Pakistani by saying "Jai India".


6. A Plane journey
A jet ran in to some turbulent weather. To keep passengers calm, the air
hostess brought out the beverage carts.
"I'd like a soda " said the passenger in the front row. Moving along, the
air hostess asked the man behind her if he would like something.
"Yes I would," he replied. "Give me whatever the pilot is drinking!".


7. Crime Story
"I'm going on vacation . Could you suggest a thrilling crime story ?"
Santa asks to Banta. "Here this one is so suspenseful you won't be able to
put it down" replies Banta. "only on the last page do you find out that
the gardener did it".


8. New House
Santa meets Banta
Santa: "so have you moved to a new house"
Banta: "No."
Santa: "Why not? You advertised to sell your old house, didn't you?"
Banta: "Yes, but when I read the ad, I realized it was just the home I was
looking for!".


9. Salt Seller

Do you really sell that much salt? A man asks to a Sardar who is running a
grocery shop stocked with thousands of boxes of salt.
"No " says the Sardar. "I sell may be two boxes a month. To tell you the
truth, I'm not a good salt seller. But the one who sell me salt-now he's a
good salt seller."


10. Marathon Race
One day Sardar happened to see a marathon race.
"What the guys are doing" asked the sardar.
" We are running a marathon. The winner will get prize" replied one
runner.
"Only the winner will get prize! Then why others are participating!!"
Exclaimed the Sardar


11. 13th Floor

One day a sardarji was sitting in his office on the
thirteenth floor building when a man came running in
to his office and shouted "Santa Singh your daughter
Preeto just died in an accident" Sardarji was in
panic.Not knowing what to do he jumped from his office
window. While coming down when he was near the tenth
floor he remembered he didn't have a daughter named
Preeto. When he was near the fifth floor he remembered
he was not married.When he was about to hit the ground
he remembered he was not Santa Singh.



12.Phone Book

A sardar walked up to the front desk of the library
and said, "I borrowed a book last week, but it was the
most boring I've ever read. There was no story
whatsoever, and there were far too many characters!"
The librarian replied, "Oh, you must be the person who
took our phone book."

13.Cows Don't Fly
A sardar was walking along, when he looked up to
observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird
dropped a load when it was directly over him. The
Sardar says, "Good thing that cows don't fly."

14.Dark Room

Did you hear about the sardar who asked his friends to
give him all their burnt out light bulbs? He just
bought a camera and wanted to set up a Darkroom.

15.Relaxing

One Sardar was enjoying Sun on a Beach in UK.A lady
came and asked him, " Are you relaxing" Sardar
answered '" No I am Banta Singh" Another Guy Came and
asked! ! ! ! the same Question. Sardar answered " No No Me
! Banta Singh" Third one came and asked the same
question Sardar was totally annoyed and decided to
shift his place. While walking he saw another Sardar
enjoying the Beach. He went and asked him " Are you
Relaxing?" The other Sardar was much educated and
answered "Yes I am relaxing. The Sardar slapped him on
his face and said "Idiot, Sab tere Ko wahahn dhoond
rahe hai aur tu Yahaan Aaram Kar raha hai. "

16. Wash Basin

A Sardarji goes to a hotel and eats heartily. After eating he goes to wash
his hands but starts washing the basin instead. The manager comes running
and asks him, "Prahji, aap kya kar rahe ho?" To this the man replies,
"Oye, tumne hi to idhar board lagaya hai "Wash Basin".

17.Three Engines

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Mankuwa City to Sukhpur city, the
captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed..
There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than
scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed
and
the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can
fly just fine on two engines." An hour later the captain announced, "One
more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three
hours.But don't worry ... we still have one engine left." A sardarji
passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one
more engine,we'll be up here all day!"

18.Detective Job
Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a
Sardarji,
one was Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to ask each
applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer. When
the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed
Jesus Christ?" The Jewish man answered without hesitation. "The Romans
killed him." The chief thanked him and he left.
When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the Same
question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief
thanked the man who then left. Finally the Sardarji arrived for his
interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time,
before saying,"Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief
said,"OK, but get back to me tomorrow." When the Sardarji arrived home,
his wife asked "How was the interview ?". Sardarji replied, "Great, I got
the job,
and I'm already investigating a murder.

19.Guooonn, Guooonn

Talking about those days when there were no mosquito repellents and we
had to spend sleepless nights. Sardarji was also experiencing the same
every time. he tries to sleep,one mosquito comes and disturbs his sleep
with a
sound "guooonn, guooonn."
He gets very irritated. He tries to cover his ear but the problem remains
persistent. Ultimately he gets up and catches the mosquito in his hand. He
is very kind and not for the blood shed but still wanted to take revenge.
Happy as he is now starts singing a lullaby and says "so ja machchar, bete
so ja". After some time he finds the mosquito
falling into deep sleep in his hands. So he goes near it and says
"Guoooonnnnn, guoooonnnnn."

20. Urine Test

Two sardarjis were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like
anything. So the other asked,"Why are you crying?" The first one replied,
"I came here for blood test" Second one asked," So? Are you afraid?"
First one replied,"No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger"
Hearing this the second one started crying. The first one was astonished
and
asked other, "Why are you crying?" The other replied, "I have come for my
urine test."

21. Bihari-Sardar

A Bihari was waiting for his bus at the bus stop. Finally the bus arrives
and he gets in. The bus is fully loaded with sardarjis. One sardarji
orders
Bihari to tell a joke. Now, the Bihari thinks he's in big trouble because
he knows only sardar jokes! After thinking for some time he decides to
substitute all references to 'sardars' in his joke with 'Biharis'. He
starts the jokes with, "There was once a Bihari..." And suddenly he gets a
major blow on his back from one of the sardarjis who shouts, "Kyon be! Sab
sardar mar gaye hai kya?"


22. Wrong Answer

Santa Singh applied for an engineering position at DEMAN CONSTRUCTION
office in Amritsar. Reddy from Chennai applied for the same job and both
applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by
theDepartment manager Mr. Arvin Singh. Upon completion of the test, the
results showed that both men only missed one of the questions. The manager
went to Santa and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to
give the job to Reddy".
Santa: And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct.
This being
Punjab I should get the job!"
Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the
one question that you got wrong.
"Santa: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the
other?"
Manager: "Simple, for the question that both of you got wrong, Reddy put
down 'I don't know' as the answer. And you wrote 'Neither do I'!"

23. Road to Station

Sardarji praising his son who is a Civil engineer, who just laid a road
near his house. "Wow! This is terrific! Look at the job he has done!
The distance from my house to the railway station is the same as the
railway
station to my house!!!!!!!!"

24.Green TV

Sardarji is buying a TV.
"Do you have colour TVs?"
"Sure."
"Give me a green one, please."

25.Just a second

Sardarji calls Air India. "How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?"
"Just a sec," says the receptionist. "Thank you." says the Sardar and
hangs up.

26.Salary Expected

Sardarji is filling up a job application.
He promptly fills in the lines on NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc.
Then came the column SALARY EXPECTED. After much thought he writes: Yes.

27.Crocodile Boots

Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes, if you bring me a pair of
crocodile boots.
He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally they find him hunting
crocodiles
and watch him killing a huge one. He walks over the reptile, checks its
legs, angrily exclaims: "71st and *again* barefoot!"

28.Thermos Flask

Sardarji goes into a store and sees a shiny object.
He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"
The clerk replies, "That is a Thermos flask."
The Sardar asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk responds, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The Sardar says, "I'll take it!"
The next day, he walks into work with his new Thermos.
His Sardar boss sees him and asks,
"What is that shiny object with you?" He said, "It's a Thermos flask."
The boss asks, "What does it do?"
He replies, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"
The Sardar replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."

29.Answering Machine

Sardarji fixed an answering machine at home.
Two days later he disconnected it because he was getting complaints like
"Saala phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai."

30. Photocopies

What does Sardarji do after taking photocopies?
He compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.

31. Photocopy

What does Sardarji do when he has one white sheet and wants an extra
sheet?
He makes a photocopy of the white sheet.


32. Free Punjab

There was a meeting of all the Sardar freedom fighters.
They were planning for a free Punjab. Santa Singh raised a point,
"Oh...we'll take Punjab from India but how would we develop it?"
That was a tough one indeed. Banta Singh had a brainwave...
"No problem! We'll attack Amrika, it would take over us and then we would
become a State of USA and develop automatically."
All the surds became happy with this very simple solution but an old surd
was not.
Someone asked him why he wasn't happy. The old surd replied, "THAT'S ALL
VERY WELL...
WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE WE TOOK OVER AMRIKA???"

33. Small TV

Sardarji went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.
"I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied.
He hurried home removed his turban and changed his hair style, and
returned to tell the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," Salesman replied.
"Damn, he recognised me," he thought. He went for a complete disguise this
time,
haircut, new hair colour, new outfit, big sunglasses, waited a few days,
saw the salesman again. "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied.
Frustrated, he exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a Sardar?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

34. Below 18

Why did 18 Sardars go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed.

35. Sardarji's Intelligence

How do you measure Sardarji's intelligence?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear

36. Hand Grenade

What do you do when Sardarji throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.


37. Hand Grenade-2

What do you do when Sardarji throws a pin at you?
Run like crazy...he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.

38. Joke On Wednesday

How do you make Sardarji laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

39. Hands over ear

What was Sardarji doing when he held his hands tightly over his ears?
He was trying to hold on to a thought.

40. Retrain

Why does Sardarji work seven days a week?
So you don't have to retrain him on Monday.

41. Ice Cubes

Why can't Sardarji make ice cubes?
He always forget the recipe.

42.Kill The Bird

How did Sardarji try to kill the bird?
He threw it off a cliff.

43. A wind tunnel

What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.

44.Back Of Head

What do you see when you look into Sardarji's eyes?
The back of his head.

45.Lightning

Why does Sardarji always smile when a lightning blazes?
He thinks his picture is being shot.

46. Shoes

Why does Sardarji have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.

47. Fax

How can you tell when Sardarji sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.

48. Second One

Why can't Sardarji dial 911?
He can't find the Second 1 on the dial.

49. Dead Bird

"Oh, look at the dead bird."
Sardarji looked skyward and asked, "Where, Where?


50. Smart Sardars and UFOs

What do smart Sardars and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but you never see them.

51. Sardar Snowman

Why does it take longer to build a Sardar snowman than a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.

52. 8 kms a Day

The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran 8 kms a day for 300 days, he would
loose 34 kg
At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost
the weight, but he had a problem. "What's the problem?" asked the doctor.
"I'm 2400 kms from home."

Sardar: I have'nt slept all night in the train.
Friend: why?
Sardar: Got upper berth.
Friend: why did'nt you exchnged the birth?
Sardar: oye, there was nobody to exchnge in the lower berth...


A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after Every 10 second a woman gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!.



Sardar-why are all these people running?
Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar-If only the winner will get the cup, why are others running?



Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.
Sardar: The future tense is "you will go to jail".



Sardar gets ready ,wears tie, coat ,goes out, climbs tree, sits on the branch regularly. A man asks why he does this. Sardar:"I've been promoted as branch manager."



Sardarji was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary Expected". After much thought he wrote : Yes!



One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college. you know Why?
Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking...



Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant: It"s already raining.
Sardar: So what? take an umbrella and go.



Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever - What came first, Chicken or egg?
O Yaar, what ever you order first will come first.



Sardar wins Rs. 20 crore from Rs. 20 lottery ticket. Dealer gave Rs. 11 crore after deducting tax.
Angry Sardar: "Give me Rs. 20 crore or else return my 20 Rs. back.!



Postman:- I had to come 5 miles to deliver you this packet
Sardar:- why did you come so far. Instead you could have posted it....



Sardar proposed to a Girl......Girl said 'I'm 1 year older to you'...........
Sardar said 'Oye no problem Soniye, I'll marry you NEXT YEAR.



Sardar's wish :when i die,i wanna die like my grandpa who died peacefulyin his sleep not screamin like all the passengers in the car he was driving..



Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art ?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, that's a mirror!



Sardar was writing something very slowly.
Friend asked:" Why are you writing so slowly?
Sardar: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast.


Lady Shouted At Midnight ?SARDAR G? jaldi Utto BILLI Sara Doodh Pee Gahi hai ?SARDAR? Replied angerly ?ULLO KEE PATI ? Kitnee Bar Samjahya Hai KAMEEZ Pa Ka soya Kar?



Ek Larki Paidal Chali Ja Rahi Thi
Larka Awaz Deta Hai
Aye Deewani Peechay Mur Kar Dekh Tera Dupatta Zameen Say Ghisa Ja Raha Hai
Larki Jawab Deti Hai Aye Deewanay
Tu Kia Janay Yeh Bhi Apna Farz Nibha Raha Hai
Koi Chum Na Le Merey Kadmoon Ki Mitti Ko Isi Liey Nishan Mitata Ja Raha Hai



Duniya Badal Jaye Gi,Tum Na Badalna
Mushkilon Main Ho Jab Bhi.,Yaad Humain Kar Lena
Mangay Bhi Aap Say Tu Kia Mangain?
Dena Kuch Chahao Tu Bas Muskura Dena



Wafa Ke Rang Mein Doobi Har Shaam Tere Liye,
Yeh Dagar, Yeh Nagar,Mera Naam Bus Tere Liye,
Tu Mahekti Rahe Chandni Raaton Ki Tarah,
Is Naye Saal Ka Paigaam Tere Liye

A Sardar died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate DharamRaj told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth.

In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are in a year?

The Sardar thought for a few minutes and answered...

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

DharamRaj said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?"

The Sardar replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...."

DharamRaj lets him in without another word.

There was a meeting of all the Sardar freedom fighters. They were planning for a free Punjab.



Santa Singh raised a point, "Oh...we'll take Punjab from India but how would we develop it?" That was a tough one indeed.



Banta Singh had a brainwave... "No problem! We'll attack Amrika, it would take over us and then we would become a State of USA and develop automatically."



All the sardars became happy with this very simple solution but an old sardar was not. Someone asked him why he wasn't happy.



The old sardar replied, "THAT'S ALL VERY WELL... WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE WE TOOK OVER AMRIKA???"

SARDAR wants to fly Punjab.
He entered into flight & sit window side, but it not his seat actually his seat in middle raw
The actual owner of the came and requested for his seat.
SARDAR said: No way
The owner called airhostess
Airhostess requested......
No I will not, by Sardar
The big issue is in aircraft....
SARDAR never mind he want to sit in windows side only
At last but least, the issue gone to pilot...
Flight already late...
SARDAR the same thing, No Way!!!
The PILOT understand he is a SARDAR
Then he decided.........! And Pilot said to SARDAR’s hear, something...
THEN!!! SARDAR runaway from that seat & sit in his Middle row seat,
Do you know what did the Pilot Said?
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Pilot said that only Middle row goes to Punjab Other seat to Delhi!!!!!!!!

Sardarji Kidnapping a Child
 
 
A Sardar Ji was Living hand to Mouth.
In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
 
He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
 
Sardarji then wrote a note saying: "I've kidnapped your kid.
Tomorrow morning, put Rs.2,00,000 in a paper bag and put it beneath the mango tree on the north side of the city playground".
 
Signed: "A Sardarji".
 
Sardarji then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
 
The next morning the Sardarji checked, and sure enough a paper bag was kept beneath the mango tree. The boy was sitting next to the bag. Sardarji opened up the bag and found the Rs.2,00,000 in cash with a note saying:
 
"How can a sardarji do this to a fellow Sardarji? Take the money, and Please leave my son."
Signed: Another Sardarji.

A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after Every 10 second a woman  gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!.
 

Sardar-why are all these people running?
Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar-If only the winner will get the cup, why are others running?
 

Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.
Sardar: The future tense is "you will go to jail".
 

Sardar gets ready ,wears tie, coat ,goes out, climbs tree, sits on the branch regularly. A man asks why he does this. Sardar:"I've been promoted as branch manager."
 

Sardarji was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure as to  what to be filled in column "Salary Expected".  After much thought he wrote : Yes!
 

One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college. you know Why?
Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking...
 

Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant: It"s already raining.
Sardar: So what?  take an umbrella and go.
 

Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever -  What came first, Chicken or egg?
O Yaar, what ever you order first will come first.
 

Sardar wins Rs. 20 crore from Rs. 20 lottery ticket. Dealer gave Rs. 11  crore after deducting tax.
Angry Sardar: "Give me Rs. 20 crore or else  return my 20 Rs. back.!
 

Postman:- I had to come 5 miles to deliver you this packet
Sardar:- why did you come so far. Instead you could have posted it....
 

Sardar proposed to a Girl......Girl said 'I'm 1 year older to you'...........
Sardar said 'Oye no problem Soniye, I'll marry you NEXT YEAR.
 

Sardar's wish :when i die,i wanna die like my grandpa who died peacefulyin  his sleep not screamin like all the passengers in the car  he was driving..
 

Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you  call modern art ?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, that's a mirror!
 

Sardar was writing something very slowly.
Friend asked:" Why are you writing so slowly?
Sardar: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast.

Sardar enters shop & shouts, "Where's my free gift
    with this oil?"  Shopkeeper: "ISke Saath koi gift
   nahin hai bhaisaab"  Sard : "Oye ispe likha hai
   CHOLESTROL FREE!!"
______________________________________________________

       ONE FINE DAY A GIRL PROPOSED TO A SARDAR AND
   SARDAR  DENIED SIMPLY SAYING THAT IN OUR FAMILY, WE
   MARRY ONLY OUR RELATIVES..

      MY MOM MARRIED MY DAD, MY BROTHER MARRIED MY
   BHABHI, MY UNCLE MARRIED MY AUNT AND SO ON.  SO
   PLEASE EXCUSE ME  !!!!!
______________________________________________________

   Sardars went into a pub and after ordering two beers
    took some sandwiches out of their pockets and
   started to eat  them.   "You can't eat your own
   sandwiches in here," complained the pub-owner.  So
   the two sardars swapped (exchanged) their
   sandwiches.
______________________________________________________
   A sardar was very fond of sensational and detective
   novels, but he always started reading from the
   middle.   A friend of his asked why he did so?"
   It'z doubly interesting", said the Sardar. "TO start
   from the middle keeps one curious not only about its
   conclusion but also about its beginning.
______________________________________________________
   Once a Sardarji was going to his office.   On the
   way he slipped on a banana peel and was badly  hurt.
   Next day ,  on his way to the office, he noticed a
   banana peel  and  Later after two  days, he noticed
   two banana peels and exclaimed" ari  sala, aaj to
   choice hai"!!!!!!
______________________________________________________
   A Sardar died and went to heaven. When he got to the
   pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were
   in effect due to the advances in education on earth.
   In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly
   soul must answer two questions:   1. Name two days
   of the week that begin with "T".   2. How many
   seconds are there in a year?   The Sardar thought
   for a few minutes and answered...   1. The two days
   of the week that begin with "T" are Today and
   Tomorrow.   2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
   Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and
   Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I
   expected, so your answer is correct. But how did you
   get only 12 seconds in a year?"   The Sardar
   replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March
   2nd, etc...."   Saint Peter lets him in without
   another word
_________________________________________________________
   A Sardar, his wife with son and daugher went to a
   party he introduced his family to his friends
   saying.." I am  Sardar.. and this  is Sardarnee
   ...this is my kid and that is my  kidney...!!"
_________________________________________________________
   American says "US mein shaadi E-mail se hoti hai.."
   Sardarji " India me to.. shaadi Fe-mail se hoti
   hai...!!!"
_________________________________________________________
   Q. What do you call a fat lady waiting for a bus?

   A. Moti-vating..!!!
_________________________________________________________
   Nurse - "Mubarak ho.. Sardarji.. aap papa ban
   gaye.."   Sardarji - " Meri wife ko nahi bolna..
   main use  surprise doonga..!"
_________________________________________________________
   Dr Chopra psychotherapist wanted 'Sign board' to be
   pained in front of his clinic but our Sardar painter
   painted "Dr Chorpa  Psycho The  Rapist"
________________________________________________________
   What is the difference between WATCH & WIFE
   .........   Ek bigadti hai to bandh ho jati
   hai......   Doosari bigadati hai to "SHUROO' ho jati
   hai
________________________________________________________
   Ek sardar apne bete se bola : Bevakuf, kaisa machis
   leke aaya hai, ek  bhi tili nahin jalti.

      Beta : Kya baat karte ho papa, sab tili test
   karke  laya hu.
________________________________________________________
   Man runs home yelling "Pack your bags honey. I just
   won the 10 Million lotto.   Wife : Do I pack for the
   beach or mountains ?   Man : Who cares ? Just pack
   and get lost !
________________________________________________________
   Doctor to Sardaar : App ka aur aapki biwi ka blood
   group ek hi hai?   Sardaar : Hoga, Jarur hoga; 25
   saalse mera khoon jo  pee rahi hai....
________________________________________________________
   Koun si devi ka kounsa prasad India mein famous hai

   Rabridevi ka laloo prasad
________________________________________________________
   A two seater plane crashed in a graveyard in Punjab
   today.......

   Local sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are
   still.....digging for  more.
________________________________________________________
   Sardar found answer to most difficult question
   question ever   What comes first - the chicken or
   the egg ?

      Oye yaar, jiska order pahele dooge, wo ayega !!!

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Sardars had to
leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Sardar community.
So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member
of the Sardar community. If the Sardar won, the Sardars could stay. If
the Pope won, the Sardars would leave.
The Sardars realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle
aged man named Santa Singh to represent them. Santa Singh asked for one
condition to be added to the debate. To make it more interesting, the
debate was to be conducted using sign language and neither side would be
allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Santa Singh and the Pope sat opposite
each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed
three fingers. Santa Singh looked back at him and raised one finger. The
Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Santa Singh pointed
to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of
wine.
Santa Singh pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The
Sardars can stay. "
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what
had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent
the trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that
there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my
finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by
pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us.
I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our
sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an
answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Sardar community had crowded around Santa Singh. "What
happened ?" they asked. "Well", said Santa Singh, "First he said to me
that the Sardars had three days to get out of here. I told him that not
one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be
cleared of Sardars. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?", asked the crowd.
"I don't know," said Santa Singh, "He took out his lunch and I took out
mine".

Q. Why can't Sardar dial 911?
A. They can not find the eleven on the phone

----------------------

Q. What will a Sardarji do after taking photocopies?
A. He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes !!

---------------

Q. What will a sardarji do if he wants an additional white sheet of paper?
A. As he has already one with him, he takes a photocopy of the white paper !!!

---------------

Q. Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?
A. Because below 18 was not allowed.

---------------

Q. How do you measure a Sardar's intelligence?
A. Stick a tyre pressure gauge in his ear.

---------------

Q. What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

---------------

Q. What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you?
A. Run like crazy....he's got a hand grenade in his
mouth.

---------------

Q. How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

---------------

--------------

Q. Why do Sardars work seven days a week?
A. So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.

---------------

Q. Why can't Sardars make ice cubes?
A. They always forget the recipe.

---------------

Q. How did the Sardar try to kill the bird?
A. He threw it off a cliff.

---------------

Q. What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear?
A. A wind tunnel.

---------------

Q. What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes?
A. The back of his head.
----------------

Q. Why does Sardar always smile during lightning storms?
A. They think their picture is being taken.

---------------

Q. Why does Sardar have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
A. Toes Go In First.
----------------

Q. How can you tell when Sardar sends you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.

-----------------

Q. How do you get Sardar on the roof?
A. Tell him the drinks are on the house.

-----------------

Q. "Oh, look at the dead bird.
A. " Sardar looked skyward and said "Where, Where?

Remarriage !!!

Middle aged Santa and Jeeto were discussing life, and preparing wills. The conversation turned to remarriage...
Jeeto: If I should die first, will you remarry?
Santa: Probably, I wouldn`t like to spend the rest of my life alone.
Jeeto: Would you bring your new wife into our home that we have shared?
Santa: I don`t see why not. It would be empty, you wouldn`t be there.
Jeeto: Would you share the same bed we`ve shared?
Santa: Well, it`s a comfortable bed...
Jeeto: Would you let here wear my clothes?
Santa: Sure, if they fit. They are quite nice.
Jeeto: Would you let her use my golf clubs?
Santa: No way, Preeto is left handed.

Confusion of ownership !

Santa and Banta bought two horses.

Now the problem was that they could not differentiate between the two horses.
So,one day Santa cuts the left ear of his horse, so that it is easy to know that it is his horse.When he does so,an enemy of Santa sees him doing so.
This enemy cuts the left ear of Banta s horse. Santa and banta are confused.
So, next thing Santa cuts some body part of his horse and his enemy repeats the same on Bantas horse.
At last Santa s horse had no legs left and Banta s horse was with one leg only.
The enemy also went and cut Banta s horse one leg. So, in the morning it was the same sitaution , How to differentiate between their horses.So, after thinking and putting lots of effort to their mind - Santa said - O.K You keep the black one and I shall keep the white . Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny

Childbirth !

Santa`s son was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, Jeeto, "How was I born?"
"Well dear..." said the embarrassed Jeeto, "the stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?"
"Oh, the stork brought us too," said Jeeto.
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the frustrated Jeeto.
A few days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:
"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn`t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

Presence of mind!!

Santa and Banta were in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including Santa ands Banta, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on Santa jams something in Banta`s hand.
Without looking down, Banta whispers, "What is this?"
To which Santa replies, "It`s that Rs 500 I owe you."  Afro

Stunt plane

Santa and and his wife, Jeeto, went to a fair. Santa had never been on an airplane, was fascinated by a stunt plane and asked the pilot how much aride would cost.
"Rupees one thousand for 3 minutes" the pilot replied.
"That`s too much" said Santa.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I`ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make any sound at all, you`ll have to pay me the whole amount."
Santa and Jeeto agreed and went for a thrilling ride.
After they landed, the pilot said to Santa, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."
"Maybe so," said Santa, "but I gotta tell you, I almost screamed when my wife fell out." Afro Afro Afro Too Funny Too Funny

Pole Length

A man walking down the street came upon Santa and Banta who are trying to measure an up-right pole with a yard stick.

Along comes this really big, musclebound shmuck and says, "Hey, what are you guys doing?"

Santa and Banta say, "We're trying to measure the height of this pole."

The man wraps his arms around the pole, pulls it out of the ground, lays it down and measures it. Then he picks it up, puts it back in the ground and says, "22 feets," and walks away.

Santa was now quite mad and yelled back, "You idiot we were not trying to see how long it was...I need to know how high it is!

Fainting !

"How come you`re late?" asks the Manager as Santa walks in the door.
"It was awful," Santa explains. "I was walking down Mall road and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the road. He`d been thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course and all my training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the Manager.
Santa says, "I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep myself from fainting!"

Explanation!

Santa wired home that he had been able to wind up his business trip a day early and would be home on Wednesday.

When he walked into his apartment, however, he found his wife, Jeeto, in bed with another man. Furious, he picked up his bag and stormed out; he met his mother-in-law on the street, told her what had happened and announced that he was filing a suit for divorce in the morning.

"Give my daughter a chance to explain before you do any thing." the older women pleaded.

Reluctantly, he agreed. An hour later, his mother-in-law phoned Santa at his office.

"I knew my daughter would have an explanation," a note of truimph in her voice. "She didn't receive your telegram!" Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny noteworthy noteworthy noteworthy Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny

With Pleasure !

Banta, a Managing Director was interviewing a gorgeous looking girl for the post of Personal Secretary. After about half an hour Banta finally asked the lady what salary she expected?
Very modestly she replied, ?€œRs. 2500, Sir.?€?
?€œWith pleasure,?€? said Banta.
?€œIn that case Rs. 4500, Sir,?€? was the prompt reply by the lady.

The doctor told Santa that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos.
At the end of 300 days, Santa called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem.
What is the problem?" asked the doctor.
I am 2400 kms from home."

Jumping Santa

Santa was asked to try out a new parachute with a radio link to a guy on the ground, the guy on the ground would say when to pull the release cord for the parachute.
Santa jumped out of the plane and started to fall when he reached a thousand feet the guy on the ground said ok pull the release cord now, Santa didn't take any notice and kept falling.
He got down to 500 feet and the guy on the ground said quick pull the cord you are getting close, but Santa just ignored him and kept falling.
He got down to 100 feet and the guy on the ground said quick pull the cord, Santa still ignored him.
He got down to 10 feet, the guy on the ground said this is your last chance you'll be killed if you don't pull the cord now.
Santa replied, "Thats ok. I can jump from here!!"

Fishing License

Banta was carrying a large fish in a bucket of water away from a lake, which was well known for its excellent fishing when a Fishery officer stopped him.

The officer says, "Do you have a fishing license?"

Banta replies, "Don't need a license, this is my pet fish."

"Pet fish?" the officer asked.

Banta answers, "Yes, every night I take my fish down to the lake and let him swim around for a while, then I whistle and he jumps up on shore and I put him in his bucket and we go back home."

"That's a bunch of baloney, fish can't do that."

Banta looks at the officer and says, "You want me to show you?"

Very curious now, the officer says, "O.K. I've got to see this"

Banta pours the fish into the lake then stands there waiting.

After a few minutes, the officer turns to Banta and says, "Well?"

"Well, What?" Banta says.

The Officer asks, "Are you going to call your fish back?"

"Fish! What fish?" Banta responds.

Play at night!

A foursome, including Banta, goes out on the course, only to find themselves waiting on every hole for the most inept golfers they've ever seen, who are playing in front of them.
After a few holes, they start yelling them, but that doesn't seem to speed their game up. By the time they've finished their round, they're so pissed off that they go straight to the golf pro to complain.
"Guys," he tells them, "those fellow you've been screaming at and taunting for the last three hours are blind".
"You're telling us," one of the irate foursome says.
"No, I meant it," the pro says, they're really blind. They're trying to overcome their handicap by participating in sports."
Now embarrassed, the first of the foursome says to the pro, "When they come in, fix them up with new golfers shoes, and put it on my tab."
The second guy adds, "And give them each a new set of club covers and put on my tab."
The third one chimes in, "Listen let them pick out a new golf shirt and put it on my tab."
They all stand there waiting for Banta to contribute something.
Noticing their stares, he says, "What? F***'em. Let'em play at night. Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny

Painful pinch!

As the crowded elevator descended, Banta's wife, Preeto, became increasingly furious with Banta, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous girl.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the girl suddenly whirled, slapped Banta, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Banta was halfway to the parking lot with Preeto when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't," said Preeto, consolingly, "I did."

Measuring Device!

Santa was in the dentist`s chair having a root canal done. Every so often the dentist would stick a large toothpick-like object into the tooth`s canal to see how far he had drilled. Each time, this thing caused Santa great pain, but whenever he complained the dentist replied, "Oh, that doesn`t hurt, it`s just a measuring device."
This happened a couple more times. Again Santa complained and again he got the same response. Finally Santa sat up in the chair, took all the stuff out of his mouth and looked straight at the dentist.
"Excuse me for a moment," Santa said. "I have to go out to my truck, get my tape measure and whack you in the head with it. It shouldn`t hurt, though. It`s just a measuring device."  Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny

Annual Medical

Santa went for his annual physical check up. All of his tests came back with normal results.
His Dr. said, "Santa, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
Santa replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he`s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on when I pee, and then poof! the light goes off when I`m done."
"Wow," commented Dr., "That`s incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. called Jeeto, Santa`s wife and says, "Santa is just fine. Physically he`s great. But I had to call because I`m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off?"
Jeeto exclaimed, "Oh God !! He`s peeing in the refrigerator again!" Lips Sealed Lips Sealed Lips Sealed

Puzzled!

Once Santa and Banta were celebrating in a bar. A man walks into the bar and asks what the fuss is all about.
Santa says: "We have just put together a 100 piece jigsaw puzzle in under six hours."
The man says: "So what?€™s the big deal.
The Banta. "On the box it says from 3 to 5 years." Afro Afro Afro Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny

Q: How do you measure a His intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear!

Q: What is Banta doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: Why did Banta stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said `concentrate`.

Q: How do you keep him busy?
A: Write `Please turn over` on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: Why can`t Banta make ice cubes?
A: He always forget the recipe.

Q: How did he try to kill the bird?
A: He threw it off a cliff.

Q: Why did he take his typewriter to the doctor ?
A: He thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.  Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny

Image!
Santa is traveling by the train. On his way, he feels the urge to go to the bathroom. So he goes and opens the door, which happens to have a mirror in the front.
He thinks there is someone in there, quickly shuts the door and returns to his seat.
Five minutes later, he goes again, only to find the same man there. An hour passes, he`s made 20 trips to the bathroom only to find that the same person is still there. So he finally gets ticked off, goes to Ticket Checke (Our Santa) asked him, "What`s been going on."
Listening to him Santa walks down to the compartment with the troubled Banta to get the man out. A few minutes later, he comes back and tells the sardar "I am sorry, I cannot do anything. The guy in there is a railway staff member." Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny

ID 10 Huh
Santa was having trouble with his computer. So he called the computer guy, over to his desk.
He clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, Santa called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an "ID ten T" error."
A puzzled expression ran over Santa`s face. "An "ID ten T" error? What`s that?.. in case I need to fix it again."
"Haven`t you ever heard of an "ID ten T" error before?"
"No," replied Santa.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you`ll figure it out."
He wrote..... I D 1 0 T

Drunk Santa

Santa walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. He staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a taxi called for him.
Santa is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, Santa stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a taxi for him.
Santa looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, Santa bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a taxi or the police will be called immediately.
Surprised Santa looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

Guts !!
In a ship the Generals of three nations were traveling with their soldiers. They started the topic that whose soldier had more of guts.
The American general called for one of his men and told him to jump down the ship and take a round swimming around the moving ship. The soldier did as he was commanded and the general boasted of by saying "See the guts !"
Now the German general called out for one of his men and asked him to take two similar rounds. The soldier did as he was told.
When he came back from the water the German said, "See the guts."
Now the Indian General called out for his most courageous man, Santa and asked him to take five similar rounds.
Santa promptly replied, "Am I your dad`s servant?"
At this the general proudly said "See the guts".

False alarms
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so he stayed put.
Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
Banta was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. Banta started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently, in an attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As Banta stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and asked, "What the heck is going on?"
Banta, still staring down at the sheets, replied, "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

Speech Impediment

Santa and Banta were enjoying a few drinks down at the local bar, when Santa said to Banta, "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"
"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."
"Well," said Santa, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"
"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied Banta.
"What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired Santa, "My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"
"Well," replied Banta, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!"

Best Goat !!
One day Santa was talking with a salesman about his goats. As they were talking the salesman noticed that one of the goats had a wooden leg. "What`s the deal with the goat with the wooden leg?" asked the salesman.
"Oh! That`s the best goat I`ve got, best goat I`ve ever had, could just be the best goat in the whole world!" said the farmer. "Six months ago, in the middle of the night our house caught fire. That goat crawled under the fence, ran to the house, beat on our bedroom window with his horns, woke us up and saved the lives of my whole family and me! That`s the best goat I`ve got, best goat I`ve ever had, could just be the best goat in the whole world!"
"Okay, okay!" said the salesman. "But what`s the deal with the wooden leg?"
"Well, heck" said Santa, "A good goat like that, you can`t eat him all

Fencing!!

Three guys were trying to sneak into the Asian Games Village at Busan, South Korea to scoop souvenirs and autographs.
The first says, "Let`s watch the registration table to see if there`s a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Fan Zhiyi. China. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant. The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Fan Zhiyi. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information." The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chang Koehan. North Korea. Javelin." The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Koehan. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Hidetoshi Nakata. Japan. Discus."
The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Nakata. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."
They scamper in, but suddenly realize that Banta is missing. They forgot to make sure he doesn`t do something stupid and blow their cover stories.
Just then Santa walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Banta. Hoshiarpur, Punjab. FENCING."  Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny

Face To Face!!

Santa (tourists guide), was talking with a group of school kids at Zoo when one of the kids asked him if he had ever came face-to-face with a wolf.
"Yes, I came face to face with a wolf once. And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a weapon."
"What did you do?" the little girl asked.
"What could I do? First, I tried looking him straight in the eyes but he slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer and nearer. I had to think fast."
"How did you get away?"
"As a last resort, I just turned around and walked quickly to the next cage." Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny

Thumb wipe!

Banta was driving down the street looking for a place to stop so he could go to the bathroom. He stopped at a bar and went inside.
"Bartender! Where is the bathroom, I really need to go?!" he asked.
The bartender pointed him to the bathroom. So Banta went to the bathroom and looked over to the side. There was no toilet paper!
"Oh no!"
He looked over again and saw a sign that said: If out of toilet paper use your thumb and ask the bartender for a "thumb wipe". "Bartender!" he said.
"What can I do for you?" asked the bartender.
"Um.. there was no toilet paper and I need a thumb wipe.
"Oh," said the bartender. "Put your thumb on the bar."
"On the bar?"
The bartender replied, "Yes, on the bar."
So Banta put his thumb on the bar and the bartender pulled out a hammer and slammed it hard on the Banta's thumb.
Banta's instant reaction was to put his thumb in his mouth. Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny

Santa goes for a movie.  There is a scene in the movie where the actress starts removing her clothes before she gets into the river to bathe.  However, just as she starts undressing, the scene is interrupted by a train passing by.

The next day, Santa goes back again, and again the next day, and again the next day.

Finally, the guard at the door is puzzled and asks Santa why he watches the movie everyday.

Santa looks at him and tells him ki "oye, dont u see? one of these days the train will be late and i'll get to watch the scene uninterrupted"!!

DEATHS THAT MADE EVEN TOP DOCTORS WONDER...

This case happened in a hospital's Intensive care ward where Patients
Always died in the same bed and on all Sunday morning at 11a.m,
regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even
thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve
the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM. So a world-wide
expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to
investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning
few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside
the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects
to ward off evil........ Just when the! clock struck 11...


and then......







then.....









then........

















then........

















then........



















then........









Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and
unplugged the life support system & plugged in the vacuum cleaner. Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny

Santa one day asks Banta that what should he present Preeto for their engagement function ?

Banta replied that he should give her a costly Diamond Ring.

Santa refused and said "no yaaaaar... i wanna give a big gift".

So Banta replied "Give her a MRF TYRE".

Basic training

Santa was in Telecom deptt. before joining the army. As part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range. He fired 99 shots at the target, and missed the target with every shot! His Drill Instructor was very upset with him.
"What`s the matter with you?" asked the Drill Instructor. "Why can`t you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?"
"I was a telephone man," replied the Bantat, "and I don`t know why I can`t hit the target. Let me see..."
Banta checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off!
"Well," Banta said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!" Im with stupid

Santa in Chandigarh

Santa was visiting Chandigarh for the first time. He wanted to see the Rock Garden.

Unfortunately, he couldn't find it, so he asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Rock Garden?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 46 bus. It'll take you right there."

He thanked the officer and the officer drove off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, Santa is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Rock Garden, I said to wait here for the number 46 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"

Santa replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 43rd bus just went by!"   Shocked Shocked Shocked

Refilling!!!

There were these two not so bright guys, Santa and Banta, who had to get across the desert. Since they didn't have enough money for a car so they decided to buy a camel.
The camel dealer promised them that the camel would get them across the desert if they made sure he was full of water before they left.
They took the camel down to the water hole, but the camel would not drink.
Santa says, "I have a idea, why don't I hold his head down in the water and you s**k on his butt. That way the water will be drawn up into him like a straw."
Banta thought about this for a while and finally agreed.
After a while Santa asks, "Well is it working?"
Banta replied, "I think it is going to work, but you have to pick his head up just a little because I'm just getting mud."  Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny

Santa was booked into an Air India flight to Bombay. But as this was his first time in an aeroplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place.
When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, Santa declared loudly, "I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don`t charge me for food and drinks!"
So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, Santa began spreading out his own home-cooked meal. The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher and was curious about the food.
"Excuse me, what is that drink?" he asked.
Santa picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, "Milk of India!"
Then Santa took out several pieces of chappatis and started feasting.
"And what is that dish?" asked the curious American.
"Wheat of India!" replied Santa proudly.
Finally, Santa took out some desserts. He offered some to the American.
"What is it?" asked the American.
"Sweets of India!" replied Santa.
After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud `Pooooooooot!` sound (fart) from Santa.
"What was that?" asked the American, holding his nose in disgust.
Santa replied coolly, "That`s Air India."

Santa  got his promotion and become an officer in Punjab
Government. To keep up with his status, he decided to speak only in English to
all his subordinates. One morning, his peon peeped through the door to
see if his boss was busy. Santa Singh noticed him and shouted, 'Why are
you outstanding! Please income.'

Blind date!

Banta sets up Santa to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Santa is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before.
"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Santa, "I'll be stuck with her all night."
"Don't worry," Banta says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaaaaauuuuuuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack."
So that night, Santa knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is.
He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts: ..."Aaaaaaaaaaauuugguuughhh!"  Too Funny Too Funny Too Funny

One Sardar fed up with all Sardar scenarios and went to doctor. He asked doctor to put 1 Kg of brain in his head.
He asked about the cost. Doctor asked him whose brain it shoud be? It depends on that.

Doctor explaining about brain cost
"If Engineers Brain - Rs. 1000 per gram"
"If Doctors Brain - Rs. 1200 per gram"
"If Lawyers Brain - Rs. 2000 per gram"

Sardar questioned "What about a Sardar's ?"
Doctor answered "Its too costly, Rs. 100000 per Gram"

Sardar is happy about the cost of Sardar's brain and he think its precious, but asked doctor with anxiety
"Why? Doctor, Its so costly".
Doctor explained "Because to collect 1 gram brain, do you know how many Sardars are needed?"

Simply Jokes...............

. What is Common between: Krishna, Ram, Gandhi ji & Jesus..?
      Sardar ji Replied: All are born on Government Holidays.
 
  2. Teacher to a Sardar: A=B, B=C, So A=C, Give me an example,
     Sardar: I Love You, You Love Your Daughter, So I Love your
     daughter.
 
  3. Ek aadmi ki Biwi gum ho gayi, Woh RAM ke Mandir me gaya,
     Ram ne kaha
      Baju wale Hanuman Ke Mandir mai ja, Meri bhi usi ne dhundhi thi.
 
  4. A Kid asks the Priest: Father what is your Favorite Pastime...?
     The Priest pats the kids head & replies : NUN My Child NUN....!!
 
  5. Sardar bought a new mobile. He called everyone from his Phone
     Book & said "My Mobile No. has changed Earlier it was Nokia 3310 Now
 it is 6610"
 
  6. Santa: I am a Proud Sardar, My son is in Medical College,
     Banta: Really, what is he studying, Santa : No he is not studying,
 They r Studying him.
 
  7. Chinti aur Hathi ka Prem Vivah hua. Agle Din Hathi ki Maut ho
     gai...!! Chinti Boli Wah re Mohabbat, EK din ka pyar hua, ab sari umar
 kabar khodne mein beetegi..!!
 
  8. Santa Banta KO 3 live bomb mile, Police KO dene chale, Santa agar
     koi bomb raste mai Phat jaye to..?
     Banta : Jhooth bol denge 2 hi mile the...!!!
 
  9. Sardar falls in Love with Nurse. She rejected him. .. why ? ..
 Because he writes a Love letter to her, "I LOVE U SISTER."

Day a monkey kicked a sarder on his back and run away.
Sarder run to catch him and find a zebra in the field.
Sarder kicked the zebra on his back and said " Salla Trackshut pahenke dhoka de raha tha..."
 
A Sardar went 2 hotel, ordered chiken,
Waiter comes with the order
Sardar:Murgi di taang kithe hai?
Waiter:Woh langda tha.
Sardar: Dil?
Waiter:Dil murgi le gayee.
Sardar: Dimaag?
Waiter: Murga SARDAR tha
 
SARDAR:: Beta ye kaisi machis lay kar aaye ho ek bhi nahi jal rahi
SON   :: kya baat kartay ho pappa sub check kar kay laya hoooon
 
This sardarji goes to see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start
approaching, he was hiding under his seat when his friend asks him ;
kyon sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai.;
Sardarji replies ;Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai, lekin voh to
janwar hai, usko kya pata

A news reporter gets news that 101 sardars are killed in a train accident at Amritsar station. Only one sardar left alive.

The correspondent goes to him and asks, Sardarji how did it happen?

Sardar: oh ji pucho mat.. sab kuch sahi tha sab log platform par khade gaadi ki wait kar rahe they. Achanak announcement hui ki shatabdee express 2 no. platform par aa rahi hai. Jaise hi sab ne suna ki gaddi PLATFORM PAR aa rahi hai, sab log apni jaan bachane ke liye patri par kood gaye. Aur tabhi gaddi patri par aa gayi.

reporter: Thank god. Aap ne samajhdari dikhayee. Aap patri par nahin koode.

Sardar: oe nahin ji main to suicide karne ki iye patri par hi leta tha. Jaise hi announcement hui main to platform par chad gaya

1. Sardar comes back 2 his car & finds a note saying "Parking Fine"
He writes a note and sticks it 2 pole "Thanks 4 d complement"    


2 .How do you recognize a Sardar in School? He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

3. Once a Sardar was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on other so the man asked him why did he do so? He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

4. Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar , where he lived, to Jalandar to meet his friend. He reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his mother to expect him in the evening. But he didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either. When he finally reached home on the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked him " Arre Puttar, ki hoya?"
The Sardarji got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "Oy, ye Marutti wale pagal hain, agge jaane waaste chaar gear banaate hain, aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik?"    
    
 
5. Teacher: Can you tell me something about Raja Ram Mohan Roy?
Saradji: They were 4 best friends..!    
    
    

6. Sardar to Shopkeeper: - Mujhe India Ka Flag Dikhao, Shopkeeper ne Flag
Dikhaya, Sardar: - Isme aur Colour Dikhao.   
    
    


7. How can a Sardar Kill a Lion? Sardarji thinks N thinks hard & comes to a conclusion: I'll drink poison n let lion eat me. O' bolo ta ra ra.    

 
9. Sardar : Sitting on The Top of the Mountain and Studying.... When a Person asked what he was doing.... He replied... Oye!! Higher Studies Yaar...!!!    


10. Sardar with a new mobile called everyone from his Phone Book & said "My MobileNo. has changed Earlier it was Nokia 3310 Now it is 6610"    
    
    

11. Sardar falls in Love with Nurse. He writes a Love letter to her, " I LOVE U SISTER."    
    
    

12. What is Common between: Krishna , Ram, Gandhi ji & Jesus..?
Sardar ji Replied: All are born on Government Holidays.    
    
    

13. Santa : That Cow is a Lovely Colour ,
Farmer : Yes, it's a Jersey
Santa: Oh, I thought it was its Skin...!!!

14. Sardar Son: O God! Please make New York the capital of Punjab .
Sardar: Why are you praying for that?
Sardar Son: That is what I have written in my exam.   
    
    
Keep smilinggggggggggg

A Sardarji and a Bengali, both suffering from serious diseases,share the same room in a hospital.


They are taken violently ill and they cannot even utter a word.


After a few days of living together, the Bengali gets really bored and wants to start off a conversation with his fellow patient. He realizes that he has not enough energy left to say a sentence; instead he just attempts to say a word.


After much effort he turns to the Sardarji, points his finger towards himself and says "Bengali".


Sardarji doesn't want to let the poor Bengali down who has struggled so hard to start a conversation. Sardarji musters all his energy and says "Punjabi" gesturing the same way as Bengali did.


Bengali is happy now and wants to continue the conversation. After much more effort this time he says, again pointing his finger towards himself Sharath Bose."


Sardarji after some effort says "Devindar Singh". Bengali is even happier that they now know each other's names.


After some time, Bengali turns towards Sardarji and mustering all his energy says "Cancer" - - again doing the same gesture as before.










Sardarji smiles and with some effort says "Scorpio."

Teacher to Sardar : Make a sentence in which one word is repeated twice.

 

Sardar : If Lara Dutta Marries  Brian Lara, She will become Lara Lara,

 

Bolo Tararara!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Adventures of Jugnu Singh
Jugnu Singh sees lot of guys running on the highway. Asks a bystander as to why are the guys doing what they are doing.
The bystander: A Marathon race is going on
Jugnu Singh : What do they get from that?
Bystander : The winner will get a prize.
Jugnu Singh: Then why are the others running?!
 
=======================================
Jugnu Singh & American Friend
Jugnu Singh and an American were walking outside,
when the American said, "Oh, look at the dead bird."
Jugnu Singh looked towards the sky and said "Where, where!?"
 
========================================
 
Jugnu from Punjab!
Jugnu Singh: I was born in the Punjab.
Harpal Singh: Oh really, which part?
Jugnu Singh: All of me, silly.
=======================================
 
Sardar and Milk !!!!!!
One sad day Sardarji finds out from his doctor that he's going to die. He asks the doctor if there is anything, anything at all that he can do to save his life.
After careful consideration and analysis the doctor tells him that he'll have to drink a milk off a mom's nipples who's just recently become a mom for three consecutive days and he'll live.
Sardarji all depressed reaches home where his whole family relatives and friends are there to share their sympathies.
One of his childhood friends tells him "Yaar, tennu pata hai teri bhabi da munda howa hai, teri jaan de khaatir tu peela dood usse."
Sardarji all shy goes "Mein bhabi naal aisa kaise karsakta hoon."
Friend: "Koi gal nahii oyee, tere se bardke thorehi hai!"
So Sardarji goes into the room where Sardarni is lying on the bed. While sucking on the nipples he gets her aroused and when he's about to leave, Sardarni goes "Sardarji taanu kuj hor chaiida te manglo?"
Sardarji: "Nahii nahii bhabii, tussi mere liye enna kujh kita, o bohot hai." And Sardarji goes home.
Next day he comes back and again Sardarni all horny says "Sardarji taanu kuj hor chaiida te manglo?"
Sardarji: "Nahii nahii bhabii, tussi mere liye enna kujh karde pe o, bohot hai."
Final day Sardarji comes and yet again Sardarni is again real horny "Sardarji tussi roz aandeo, aaj te kujh hor manglo tussi"
Sardarji: "Chalo tussi kendeo te dood naal biscuit hojaan te mazza
aajave!"
===================================================

Affair with a dentist!
Preeto fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours.
But one day the dentist said sadly, "Preeto, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."
"No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been seeing each other for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."
"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"
============================================

Banta and Preeto
On their first night together, newlywed Banta and his wife Preeto go to change. Preeto comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe.
Banta says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful Preeto opens her robe, and he is astonished.
"Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture."
Puzzled she asks, "My picture?"
Banta answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
Preeto smiles and he takes her picture, and then Banta heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe.
Preeto asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."
Banta opens his robe and Preeto exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture".
Banta beams and asks "why?"
Preeto answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
=========================================================
Appontment Letter from Amrika
Santa Singh sent his bio data to America to apply for a post in Microsoft.
A few days later he got this reply:-
"Dear Mr. Singh,
You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further correspondence.
No phone call shall be entertained.
Thanks"
Santa Singh jumped with joy on receiving this reply.

He arranged a party and when all the guests had come,
he said "Bhaiyon aur Behno, aap ko jaan kar Khushi hogee ki mujhay Amrika mein Naukri Mil Gayee hai."
Everyone was delighted. Santa Singh continued, "Ab main aap sab ko apnaa Appointment Letter padkar sunaongaa, par letter English main hai Isliyen saath-saath Hindi main Translate bhee kartaa jaongaa."
" Dear Mr. Singh ----- pyare singh sahab
You do not meet ---- aap to miltay hee naheen ho
our requirement ---- humko to zaroorat hai
Please do not send any furthur correspondence ---- ab letter vetter bhejnay kee zaroorat nahee hai.
No phone call ---- phone vone kee bhee zaroorat nahee hai
shall be entertained ---- bahut khaatir kee jayegi.
Thanks ---- aapkaa bahut bahut shukriya"
===================================================


Surd's Short Story
A Sardarji happened to participate in a competition, which was about writing the shortest story. The organizers had put a condition that a story must have four ingredients viz. religion, sex, suspense and mystery.

Sardarji's turn came after many attempts by others. Sardarji gave a story, which was just one sentence and read : "Oh God, my wife is going to deliver a child".

Ostensibly amused, the organizers asked the sardarji whether it contained all the four ingredients !!
Sardarji replied affirmatively and gave his explanation as below:
Oh God : religion
my wife: sex
going to deliver a child : suspense (whether a girl or a boy)

"Okay.... but where is the mystery ?" asked one of the organizers.

The sardar replied : who is the father ??
Sardarji was declared the winner for writing the shortest story !
======================================================

Page 1 of 37
SARDARJI JOKES
  the Great
You should be sure the person is Sardar when he:
• puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to make up his mind.
• gets stabbed in a shoot-out.
• sends a fax with a postage stamp on it.
• tries to drown a fish in water.
• thinks socialism means partying.
• trips over a cordless phone.
• takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
• At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he puts
"Sagittarius.".
• studies for a blood test and fails.
• sells the car for gas money.
• misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead.
• drives to the airport and sees a sign that said, "Airport left", he turns around and
goes home.
• gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor.
* * * *
Q: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
Sardar: "No, who wrote it?"
* * * * *
Sardar ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
* * * * *
Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed.
* * * * * *
How do you measure a Sardar's intelligence?
Page 2 of 37
Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear
* * * * * *
What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you?
Run like Hell....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.
* * * * * *
How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
* * * * * *
What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.
* * * * * *
Why do Sardars work seven days a week?
So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.
* * * * * *
Why can't Sardars make ice cubes?
They always forget the recipe.
* * * * * *
How did the Sardar try to kill the bird?
He threw it off a cliff.
* * * * * *
What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.
Page 3 of 37
* * * * * *
What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes?
The back of his head.
* * * * * *
What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
* * * * * *
What do you call a sardar who drinks only beer?
Just-beer Singh ('T' silent!).
* * * * * *
What do you call a sardar who has only one drink?
Just-one Singh.
* * * * * *
Why does Sardar always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
* * * * * *
Why does Sardar have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.
* * * * * *
How can you tell when Sardar sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.
Page 4 of 37
* * * * * *
Why can't Sardar dial 911?
They can not find the eleven on the phone
* * * * * *
How do you get Sardar on the roof?
Tell him the drinks are on the house.
* * * * * *
"Oh, look at the dead bird."
Sardar looked skyward and said "Where, Where?
* * * * * *
What do smart Sardar and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but you never see them.
* * * * * *
Why does it take longer to build a Sardar snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.
TO LOOSE WEIGHT...
The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would
loose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had
lost the weight, but he had a problem. "What's the problem?" asked the doctor. "I'm
2400 kms from home."
Page 5 of 37
HEAVEN
A Sardar died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told
him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order
to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
The Sardar thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the
answer I expected, so your answer is correct. But how did you get only 12 seconds in
a year?"
The Sardar replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...."
Saint Peter lets him in without another word
.
ANOTHER COUNT!
Our Sardar is walking down the street and sees a man jumping up and down on a
manhole cover yelling "86, 86, 86". He asks the man, "Excuse me, but why are you
jumping up and down on this manhole cover and yelling '86, 86, 86'?" The man says,
"Well, I can't tell you that, but if you really want to know, I can let you go under
there and find out. He thinks for a moment, then his curiosity gets the better of
him, and he says, "Okay." The man lifts the manhole cover, He steps into the manhole,
and the man puts the manhole cover back and starts jumping up and down on it yelling
"87, 87, 87"...
EMPLOYMENT?
Our sardarji was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the
columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column Salary
Expected : He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he
wrote : Yes
AT INDO-PAK WAR
Once in the Indo Pakistan war, Pakistan was fighting fiercely and capturing
Page 6 of 37
everything in sight. A sikh camp called Gurudwara hideout was crucial to defend from
the pakistanis as it contained all the defence secrets. The pakistani forces
surrounded the base and the sikhs had thought that they had lost the battle but,
suddenly out of the bushes jumps Captain. Hari Singh wearing a Maachar
dani!(mosquito net) He Pulls out his AK-47 rifle and fires like mad. The pakistanis run
off quickly. The next day Hari Singh gets a medal. His friends ask him "Yaar thu
maachar daani kyon pehenke gaya tha?" Hari Singh replies "Maachar daani itni patli
hote hain ki agar maachar nahin ghus sakte, goli kahan se ghussenghi?
In the following war Hari Singh retires and his son Gani Singh No Assumptions
Please!) joins the army. Pakistanis are again surrounding the Gurudwara hideout, the
sikhs again think they've lost the war but out of the bushes erupts Gani Singh
wearning nothing he tries do shoo away the pakistanis like his father did but instead
gets shot. In the hospital his friends tell him "aare yaar, therre bap me tho itni akal
thi ki vo maachar daani pehin ke gaya tha, aur tu nunga chale gaya". Gani Singh replies
"aare yaar main tho odomos lage ke gaya tha"!
HEIGHTS OF REVENGE
Talking about those days when there were no mosquito repellents and we had to
spend sleepless nights. Sardarji was also experiencing the same every time he tries
to sleep, one mosquito comes and disturbs his sleep with a sound "guooonn, guooonn.".
He gets very irritated. He tries to cover his ear but the problem remains persistent.
Ultimately he gets up and catches the mosquito in his hand. He is very kind and not
for the blood shed but still wanted to take revenge. Happy as he is now starts singing
a lullaby and says "so ja machchar, bete so ja". After some time he finds the
mosquito falling in to deep sleep in his hands. So he goes near it and says
"Guoooonnnnn, guoooonnnnn."
DOUBLE DECKER BUS RIDE
Santa Singh and Banta Singh landed up in Bombay. They managed to get into a
double- decker bus. Santa Singh somehow managed to get a bottom seat, But
unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top. After a while when the rush is over, Santa
went upstairs to see friend Bannta Singh. He met Banta in a bad condition clutching
the seats in front with both hands, scared to death. He says, "Are Banta Singh! What
the heck's going' on? Why are you scared ? I was enjoying my ride down there ?"
Scared Banta replies. "Yeah, but you've got a *driver.* "
Page 7 of 37
CHANDIGARH OR JALANDHAR
Sardar was going to Chandigarh from pune by a air-india plane. He was alloted the
middle seat of one of the 3-seats array. But as soon as the sardarji got into the
plane, he sat on the window side seat which was actually for an old lady. After some
time the old lady came and requested the sardarji to leave the side seat. But the
sardaji told: "I want to see the view from the window and shall not leave". The old
lady then complained to the air hostess. The air hostess came and requested the
sardarji to leave that seat. But sardarji was adament and did not leave. Then the air
hostess went and told the asst capt. He also came and requested, but in vain. Finally
the Captain came. He whispered something in the ears of the sardarji, and the
sardarji immedietly left the side seat and returned to the middle seat. Astonished,
the airhostess and the asst. capt. asked the capt. what he told to the sardarji. Capt.
replied: "nothing. I just told him that only the middle seats will go to Chandigarh. All
others will go to Jalandhar."
KHALISTAN JOKES
Khalistan National Drink : Sarbat Khalsa.
Khalistan National Bird : Tandoori Chicken.
International Airline : Kitthe Pacific.
National Airline : Itthe Pacific.
National Anthem : Sten-a gun-a man-a ..........
National Taxi Service : Kar Seva.
National song : Bande marte hum.
Female terrorist : Hard Kaur.
National dish : AKALI-DAAL.
Sikh scuba diver : JULL-UNDER SINGH.
Better adapted sikh diver : JULLUNDER SINGH GILL.
COLOR TV
Sardarji is buying a TV.
"Do you have color TVs?"
"Sure."
"Give me a green one, please."
Page 8 of 37
CROCODILE BOOTS
Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots.
He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a search is being made, they find him
hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one . He walks over the reptile, checks
its legs and angrily exclaims "71st and *again* barefeet!"
LONG FLIGHT
Sardarji calls Air India. "How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?"
"Just a sec," comes an answer.
"Thank you." says the Sardarji and hangs up!
TRAIN TO LUDHIANA
Sardars Hari Singh and Gani Singh are in a railway station. Hari Singh asks the clerk:
"Can I take this train to Ludhiana?". "No," answers the Railway man. "Can I?" asks
Gani Singh.
THE 4 SARDARJIS
There were 4 sardars in Mumbai. They decided to start a business.They had a lot of
discussions on the type of business and finally decided to start a hotel. They
selected the best of locations and cooks and built the hotel.
The hotel was inaugrated and was awaiting its first customer. The sardars waited and
waited but nobody turned up. The story was the same the next day. A week passed
but noboby turned up.
WHY ? -
Bcos there was a sign at the entrance "Visitors not allowed."
After the failure of their hotel they decided to start an auto garage. They bought
the best of car servicing equipments and soon started the garage.
The 4 sardars waited that day for the first car to arrive but no car entered their
garage. They waited for one day, 2 days ,a week but no car came to their garage.
WHY ?
B'cos their garage was on the first floor.
Page 9 of 37
After this failure they decided to fall back on the good old taxi driving. They bought
a new Premier Padmini running on CNG and began to look for passengers. They drew
past Churchgate but nobody hailed their taxi. They went to Nariman point yet
nobody hailed their taxi. They drove to Chatrapati Shivaji Terminus, even there
nobody hailed their taxi. In desperation they kept on driving all around Mumbai but
alas no one hailed their taxi.
WHY ?
B'cos all the four sardars were sitting in the taxi.
All the 4 sardars were very disgusted with their naseeb and decided to push their
taxi into the sea at Marine Lines. They started pushing their taxi.
They pushed the whole day and were very exhausted but the taxi did not move even
an inch. They decided to rest for the night and start the next day. The next day the
story repeated itself. The taxi just wouldnt move. They pushed for a whole week but
the taxi wouldnt budge.
WHY ?
B'cos two sardarjis were pushing from front and two from behind.
SANTA SING AND STUDENTS
Sardar Santa Singhji is the english teacher in a school. He is very well renowned
for all his students do very well in exams. The school is having an inspection and the
inspector decided to visit the english class. This is what transpires :
Santa Singh : " Bolo bachon GADHA "
Students (in chorous) : "GADHA "
Santa Singh : " Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA "
Students (in chorous) : "GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA "
Santa Singh : " Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE
MAI"
Students (in chorous) : "GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE
MAI"
Santa Singh : " Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE
MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH "
Students (in chorous) : "GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE
MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH"
By this time the inspector is furious . He confronts the principal and shouts at him
"What is this Santa Singh teaching to students. He is supposed to be taking an
Page 10 of 37
english class and what he is saying is GADHA ,GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE
PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH. The principle too is shocked , Santa
Singh the famous english teacher doing this. He immediately sends for Santa Singh.
Principal : " Santa singhji what nonsense are you telling these students, GADHA ,
GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA
DESH".
Santa Singh : "Yes i was telling all this in class, but i was only teaching the students
the spellings of assassination.:- Ass-Ass-I-Nation
SOME SECRETS OF PAKISTAN ARMY
How do you stop a Pakistani tank ?
Shoot the men who are pushing it.
How do you disable a Pakistani tank?
Hide the wind-up key.
How do you disable Pakistani missiles?
Cut the rubber band.
Pakistani Air Force officials have recently motioned for a name change for the PAF.
They want to call it the PMC, the Pakistani Mining Corps. This is because their planes
end up in the ground anyway.
Pakistani military researchers have recently ordered for the enlargement of the
hatches on tanks and other armoured vehicles. This is so they can be more easily
abandoned in enemy territory.
Have you ever seen Pakistani war heroes?
Neither has Pakistan.
Did you hear about the latest Pakistani invention?
It's a solar powered flashlight.
Did you hear about the other latest Pakistani invention?
The new automatic parachutes. They open on impact.
How do you sink a Pakistani battleship?
Page 11 of 37
Put it in water.
Did you hear about the 747 jet which crashed into a cemetery in Karachi?
The Pakistani officials have so far recovered 3000 bodies.
Did you hear about the Pakistani admiral who had asked to be buried at sea?
Five Pakistani sailors died digging his grave.
Did you hear about the other tragedy in Karachi ?
There was a terrible power cut in Karachi's Four Square Shopping Mall. People were
stuck on the escalator for four hours.
Did you hear about the Pakistani family that froze to death outside a theatre ? They
were waiting to see the movie "Closed for the winter".
Did you hear about the Pakistani helicopter crash ?
The pilot felt cold, so he turned off the fan.
Why do Pakistani dogs have flat noses ?
They get it from chasing parked cars.
Did you hear about the Pakistani who studied diligently for five days ?
He was scheduled to take a medical test.
Did you hear about the shutdown of the Karachi National Library ?
Somebody stole the book.
SOME ROMANTIC COUNTRIES OF THE WORLD
These are some of the romantic countries in the world.
H.O.L.L.A.N.D. - Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies.
I.T.A.L.Y. - I Trust And Love You.
L.I.B.Y.A. - Love Is Beautiful; You Also.
F.R.A.N.C.E. - Friendships Remain And Never Can End.
C.H.I.N.A. - Come Here.. I Need Affection.
B.U.R.M.A. - Between Us, Remember Me Always.
N.E.P.A.L. - Never Ever Part As Lovers.
Page 12 of 37
I.N.D.I.A. - I Nearly Died In Adoration.
K.E.N.Y.A. - Keep Everything Nice, Yet Arousing.
C.A.N.A.D.A. - Cute And Naughty Action that Developed into Attraction.
K.O.R.E.A. - Keep Optimistic Regardless of Every Adversity.
E.G.Y.P.T. - Everything's Great, You Pretty Thing!
M.A.N.I.L.A. - May All Nights Inspire Love Always.
T.H.A.I.L.A.N.D - Totally Happy. Always In Love And Never Dull.
GREAT TO BE AN INDIAN
You may be aware of that after IT now India moving towards Biotechnology.
According to one research India will emerge as a super power in IT & Medical
research by 2025.
Q. Who is the Co-founder of Sun Microsystems? (The company which is sweeping the
Internet with its brainchild Java)
A. Vinod Khosla
Q. Who is the Creator of Pentium Chip? (Needs no introduction, 90% of the today's
computers run on it)
A. Vinod Dahm
Q. Who is the third richest person on the world?
A. According to the latest report on Fortune Magazine, it is Azim Premji,
CEO, Wipro. The Sultan of Brunei is at 6th position now.
Q. Who is the current president of AT&T Bell Labs? (AT & T Bell Labs is the creator
of C, C++, Unix to name a few)
A. Arun Netravalli
Q. Who is the founder and creator of Hotmail? (Hotmail is world's No. 1 web based
email program)
A. Sabeer Bhatia
Q. Who is the GM of Hewlett Packard?
A. Rajiv Gupta
Q. Who is the Testing Director of Windows 2000?
Page 13 of 37
A. Sanjay Tejwrika
We are known as the Indian Mafia (or Internet Mafia?).
We are the wealthiest among all ethnic groups in America, even faring better than
the whites and the natives. We are the success story in America.
Let the world know what we stand for.
!"There are 3.22 Million Indians in America.
!"38% of Doctors in America are Indians.
!"12% of Scientists in America are Indians.
!"36% of NASA employees are Indians.
!" 34% of MICROSOFT employees are Indians
!"28% of IBM employees are Indians
!"17% of INTEL employees are Indians
!"13% of XEROX employees are Indians.
Some of these facts may be known to you. These facts were recently published in a
German Magazine which deals with WORLD
HISTORY FACTS ABOUT INDIA.
A. India never invaded any country in her last 10000 years of history.
B. India invented the Number System. Zero was invented by Aryabhatta.
C. The World's first university was established in Takshila in 700BC. More than
10,500 students from all over the world studied more than 60 subjects. The
University of Nalanda built in the 4th century BC was one of the greatest
achievements of ancient India in the field of education.
D. Sanskrit is the mother of all the European languages. Sanskrit is the most
suitable language for computer software reported in Forbes magazine, July 1987.
E. Ayurveda is the earliest school of medicine known to humans. Charaka, the father
of medicine consolidated Ayurveda 2500 years ago. Today Ayurveda is fast
regaining its rightful place in our civilization.
Page 14 of 37
F. Although modern images of India often show poverty and lack of development,
India was the richest country on earth until the time of British invasion in the
early 17th Century.
G. The art of Navigation was born in the river Sindh 6000 years ago. The Very word
Navigation is derived from the Sanskrit word NAVGATIH. The word navy is also
derived from Sanskrit 'Nou'.
H. Bhaskaracharya calculated the time taken by the earth to orbit the sun hundreds
of years before the astronomer Smart.; Time taken by earth to orbit the sun:
(5th century) 365.258756484 days.
I. The value of pi was first calculated by Budhayana, and he explained the concept of
what is known as the Pythagorean Theorem. He discovered this in the 6th century
long before the European mathematicians.
J. Algebra, trigonometry and calculus came from India; Quadratic equations were by
Sridharacharya in the 11th Century; The largest numbers the Greeks and the
Romans used were 106 (10 to the power of 6) whereas Hindus used numbers as big
as 1053(10 to the power of 53) with specific names as early as 5000 BCE during
the Vedic period. Even today, the largest used number isTera 1012(10 to the
power of 12).
K. According to the Gemological Institute of America, up until 1896, India was the
only source for diamonds to the world.
L. USA based IEEE has proved what has been a century-old suspicion in the world
scientific community that the pioneer of Wireless communication was Prof.
Jagdeesh Bose and not Marconi.
M. The earliest reservoir and dam for irrigation was built in Saurashtra.
N. According to Saka King Rudradaman I of 150 CE a beautiful lake called
'Sudarshana' was constructed on the hills of Raivataka during Chandragupta
Maurya's time.
O. Chess (Shataranja or AshtaPada) was invented in India.
Page 15 of 37
P. Sushruta is the father of surgery. 2600 years ago he and health scientists of his
time conducted complicated surgeries like cesareans, cataract, artificial limbs,
fractures, urinary stones and even plastic surgery and brain surgery. Usage of
anesthesia was well known in ancient India. Over 125 surgical equipment were
used. Deep knowledge of anatomy, physiology, etiology, embryology, digestion,
metabolism, genetics and immunity is also found in many texts.
Q. When many cultures were only nomadic forest dwellers over 5000 years ago,
Indians established Harappan culture in Sindhu Valley(Indus Valley Civilization)
R. The place value system, the decimal system was developed in India in 100 BC.
QUOTES ABOUT INDIA
A. Albert Einstein said: We owe a lot to the Indians, who taught us how to count,
without which no worthwhile scientific discovery could have been made.
B. Mark Twain said: India is the cradle of the human race, the birthplace of human
speech, the mother of history, the grandmother of legend, and the great grand
mother of tradition. Our most valuable and most constructive materials in the
history of man are treasured up in India only.
C. French scholar Romain Rolland said: If there is one place on the face of earth
where all the dreams of living men have found a home from the very earliest days
when man began the dream of existence, it is India.
D. Hu Shih, former Ambassador of China to USA said: India conquered and
dominated China culturally for 20 centuries without ever having to send a single
soldier across her border. All the above is just the TIP of the iceberg, the list
could be endless.
SOME BLADE JOKES
Ramu : I've just become a member of Rotract Club.
Somu : public member or private?
Page 16 of 37
Ramu : Hey.. my submarine is not sinking into the water!! what could be
wrong?
Somu : may be u have used float instead of double in the software.
PS : Hey Bull, Can you do me a favor? Can you pass on these 500
rupees to Suthi..?
Bull : Sure.. why not? But tell me one thing. Tell me whether its pass by
value or pass by
reference.
PS : ???!!!
Ramu : I am very very sure that the guy who just talked to me is a
software engineer...
Somu : how do u say that?
Ramu : he asked my physical address instead of my home address!
Ramu : shhhh...I think the SW Engg who is sitting in the next cabin must
be a farmer before ...
Somu : How do u know...?
Ramu : he asked me today that is there a way to cultivate the bit fields..!!
Computer : Please sit over the hard disk to compress the files!
Computer : please pour Engine oil in the floppy drive to enhance the
performance of Search Engine.
Ramu : why people are beating that SW engg black and blue?
Somu : it seems, he asked one of them that whether "vante mataram" is
new kind of RAM in the
market!
Ramu : Hey.. I think that SW Engg is very very naive..
Somu : How do u say that?
Ramu : He believes that there is an Arabian Sea++ next to Arabin Sea.
Ramu : Hey.... whats time now?
Somu : System time or local time...??
Page 17 of 37
Ramu : Hey.. I have a problem. My system is not booting up!
Somu : may be, its internal buses are on strike.. check out!
Ramu : (while browsing the TV) what is this? I have heard of Star
Sports, Star Movies and Star P
Plus. Whats this Star Equals??? Is it a new Star Channel?
Somu : No. = operator has been overloaded in Star Channel.
Geetha : I think that SW Engg is very naive..
Seetha : how do u say that?
Geetha : He believes "Rascal" is a new version of Pascal!
Ramesh : Hey.. u know.. Micorsoft Visual C++ 5.0 has got everything...
The Developer Studio can
really do magic...
Umesh : Can we use that to develop the photo-negatives?
Ramu : why are u wiping ur terminal very often with a cloth?
Somu : clear command is not working properly for my terminal. that’s
why?
Babu : yesterday I bought a new TV whose terminal is compatible with
computer... but its audio
portion is not at all working :-
Gopu : may be its compatible only with dumb terminals???
Vani : We have shifted our home to Malleswaram now..
Soni : right shift or left shift??
Kannamma : do u have Design Specs for brinjal sambar?
Ponnamma : u mean recipe..?
Ramu : Somu, I am going to file a case against my landlord yaar. He's
harassing me too much.
Somu : What case? Upper Case or Lower Case or.......
Vanish : Hey.. why is that sardaarji inserting a cover into the floppy
drive?
Page 18 of 37
Bull : He wants to send an e-mail it seems!
Software DT in Heaven
Ramu : hey.. I couldn’t send a mail to Hell today... it says mail "demon" not
running...
Somu : ur case is better.. for me, it says "ghost not reachable" and
bounces back!
SOFTWARE HUSBAND
Husband : ( Returning late form work ) "Good evening Dear, I'm now
logged in."
Wife : Have you brought the ring ?
Husband : Bad command or filename.
Wife : But I told you in the morn...
Husband : Erroneous syntax.
Wife : What about my new blouse ?
Husband : Variable not found ...
Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied ...
Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being
funny ?
Husband : Too many parameters. Abort!...
Wife : It was a grave mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband : Data type mismatch.
Wife : You are a useless nut.
Husband : Default Parameter.
Wife : What about your Salary ?
Husband : Access denied. File in use...
Wife : Who was in the car this morning ?
Husband : System unstable. Press CTRL + ALT + DEL to Reboot
KANNADA MOVIES
A sample of Kannada movies produced by Kannada Software Engineers:
Page 19 of 37
• CHATsod tappa..?
• Ondu E-MAILina kathe
• A.S.P Sangilyana
• REDO raja
• UNDOnu maadida DELEToo maadida
• Muttinantha OFFER
• Naanu nanna PC
• DOLLLAR alegalu
• JAVAda Jodi
• CORBAna rani
• IT Hudugara kannu US myaage
• CHAT maadu Tamaashe Nodu
• Chalisuva BRAINugalu
• MAINFRAME Dhruvadim JAVA Dhruvaku
• Gadibidi ENGINEER
• Onde SYSTEMna MODULEgalu
• Baa Nalle Usge
• PROGRAMMERara Sawaal
• COMPANY COMPANY kathe
• Shri BILL GATES Mahime
• Bhakta SABIR Das
• INSPECTOR Narayana Murty
• Koodi CODING maadidare swarga sukha
• PMna avaantara
• Veera SYBASE Lakshman
• PMge takka PROGRAMMER
• MODEM Bazaar
• JDBC bale ( A 007 movie)
• Operation E-MAIL HACKER
• NIAGARA teeradalli
• HASIRU PATRA
• NEWJERSEY
• MICROSOFTna musuku
• JAVA nanna JAVA
• PREMJI kaanike
• LOGON Death
• Lady PROGRAMMER
• E-Preethse
Page 20 of 37
• Ondanondu COLLUMNnalli
• Eradu NETWORKgalu
• PB Ganda VB Hendthi
• BUGDevathe
• MS Mallige
• Messanger Muttanna
• Abachoorina INBOX
• CHATsu Tappenilla..!
• SYSTEMge Sawaal
• HACKERana Sanchu
• SILICON swapnagalu
• Nammur IT Parke
A FRIEND
A Friend....
(A)ccepts you as you are
(B)elieves in "you"
(C)alls you just to say "HI"
(D)oesn't give up on you
(E)nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)
(F)orgives your mistakes
(G)ives unconditionally
(H)elps you
(I)nvites you over
(J)ust "be" with you
(K)eeps you close at heart
(L)oves you for who you are
(M)akes a difference in your life
(N)ever Judges
(O)ffers support
(P)icks you up
(Q)uiets your fears
(R)aises your spirits
(S)ays nice things about you
(T)ells you the truth when you need to hear it
(U)nderstands you
Page 21 of 37
(V)alues you
(W)alks beside you
(X)-plains things you don't understand
(Y)ells when you won't listen and
(Z)aps you back to reality
ROBERT JOKES
Raabert : Baas, iss aadmi ne hamaare saath gaddaree kee hai..
Ajeet : Iss kuththe ki ek haath mein titan ki ghadi aur doosre haath mein
hmt ki ghadi
pehnaado.
Raabert : Lekin baas, yeh to gaddaar hai.
Ajeet : Hum jaante hain, raabert. Isko bathaana hai ki ab yeh do ghadi ka
mehmaan hai.
Raabert : Baas, Sona kahan hai? (Where is the gold?)
Ajeet : Saara beach hamaara hai. Kahi bhee so jao raabert.
Raabert and Ajeet are escaping in a boat and suddenly there's a hole in the boat and
water starts coming in. Raabert is anxious.
Raabert : Ab kya hoga baas...?
Ajeet : Ek aur hole kardo, Raabert...
Raabert : Ek aur hole..?!!
Ajeet : Ek hole pe 'IN' likh do aur doosre hole par 'OUT' likh do. Paani
IN mein aayega aur
OUT se baahar jaayega...
Ajeet : Is gaddaar ko shaampein mein dubaa do.
Raabert : Lekin kyon, baas?
Ajeet : 'Shame se' nahin to 'Pain' se mar jaayega...
Mona comes in with a proposal to get married
Mona : Baas, Humne Toni se shaadi karni hai
Ajeet : Mona yeh bilkul nahi ho sakta
Mona : Lekin baas, yeh kyon?
Ajeet : Mona, tumne agar Toni se shaadi ke to yahan bahut monatony ho
jaigi.
Mona goes ahead, gets married and has twin boys
Page 22 of 37
Raabert : Baas, Mona ke judwa ladkae hua hai.
Ajeet : Theek hai humne inke naam bhi soch liye pehle ka Peter aur
doosra Repeater
Later, Mona has twin girls
Raabert : Baas, Mona ke judwa ladkiya hua hai.
Ajeet : Theek hai humne inke naam bhi soch liye - pehli ka Kate aur doosri
DupliKate
Raabert : Baas, mein aaj kaam pe nahin aaoonga. Mujhe stomach ache
hai.
Ajeeth : Abay bavakoof ! Har kisi ko stomach ek hi hotha hai.
Ajeeth : Raabert, is gaddhar ko is duniya se aazad kar dho. Iski
laash ko Police Estation
ke saamne phenk dho. Aur is ke side mein ek suyi bhonk dho.
Raabert : Lekin baas side mein suyi kyon ?
Ajeeth : Thake Police samjhe ki ye suyiside hai.
Raabert : Baas meri beevi ko theen ladke payida ho gaye hai. Mein
inka naam kya rakhoon
Ajeeth : Phele ka naam Peter rakho, dusre ka naam Repeater rakho
aur theesre ka naam
Chin Chin Choo rakhko.
Raabert : Lekin baas thesre ka naam Chin Chin Choo kyon ?
Ajeeth : Are bevakoof, woh isliye ke duniya mein har theesra
bachha Chinese hotha hai.
Mickey Mouse : Ajit, Muzhe Ramayan padhnee hai.
Ajeet : Raabert, isse wall peh chipka do
Raabert : yeh kyon baas?
Ajeet : Taaki yeh waal-mickey kehlaygaa aur usse Ramayan apne aap
samazh me
ayegee!
Scene: Ajit murders a man.
Ajeet : Raabert, Is aadmi ko Hero Honda ki tank mein dal do.
Raabert : kyon baas?
Ajeet : Fill it,shut it,forget it!
Page 23 of 37
Boss : Raabert!
Rab : Yes, bass?
Boss : Yeh "bus" mei kuch hawa daal do.
Rab : Lekin, kyon bass?
Boss : Yeh bus "Airbus" ban jayega.
Robert : boss, China se Mr. Hu aayee hain.
Ajit : Goli maar do. Hu mar jaane par humor ban ke sab ko hasaayenge.
Scene: Ajeet thouroughly disgusted with Mona da..arrling's typing.
Ajeet : Raaberrt, Mona ke dono hathon ko kaat do.
Raabert : Magar kyoon baas?
Ajeet : Typing to nahi atee, kamsekam shaarthand to seekh legi.
Ajeet : Raabert, in kutton ke saamne yeh Compooter laga do aur debugger
starrt kar do.
Raabert : Lekin kyoon, baas?
Ajeet : Saale Checkpoint mein atak jayenge.
Ajeet : Raabert, Test Match mein kyaa ho raha hai ?
Raabert : Boss, Vivian Richards chhakke pe chhakka maar raha hai.
Ajeet : Saaleh ko sabak sikhana padega. Lunch break mein usse phone
milana.
Raabert : Yes Boss.
Ajeet: : (on phone, to Richards): Veeveeyun Reechards, tumhari Maa
hamare kabze mein
hai .......
Scene: Giving a decision as to how the hero should be killed.
Ajeet :Peter, time bomb le aao aur is saale ko usse bandh do.Timer ko teek das bajhe
set kar do. Nahin nahin, yeh saala to sub cheez hamesha late karta hai. Iska mauth
bhi late hona chahiye.
Timer ko panch minute late rakh do. Arre, Raabert, Raabert, bevkoof, silly fellow,
time bomb ko yahan peh math rakho, yeh to 'no-smoking' area hai. Ha haa ha. Time
bomb 'tic tic tic tic' karke bajega. Aur iska dil 'tup tup tup' karke dhatakega. Tum
agar paas me khade hoge to tumko 'tic tup tic tup tic tup' suanaai dega"
Page 24 of 37
Ajeet : Rabert! isko eraser se maar do, yeh mar bhi jayega aur mit bhi
jayega
Raabert : Boss! Aaap ko kaun si teen chiz sabse jahyahda pasand hein
boss?
Ajeet : Ek Mona, Doosra Sona, aur Tisra, Mona ke saath Sona
Peter : Boss? Sona kahan hei?
Ajeet : Tum chahe jahan bhi sona, lekin mujhe to Mona darling ke saath
sona!
Scene: Ajeet spots one of his is enemies...
Ajeet : Maikal, woh jo admi ghadi pahne tumhe nazar aarahaa hai, who
hamara mehman
hai. Tum ja kar uske doosre hath mein bhee gadhi pahna do...phir
woh do ghadi ka
mehman ho jayega !
Scene: Ajeet is escaping with his men in a helicopter...
Ajeet : Kuch hee der mein hamara helicopter hindustan ki sarhadon ke
pare door
birmingham mein hoga. Wahaan tumhe ek kaale rang ki sioorlett
(cheverlett) nazar
aayegi. Wo tumhe signal degee...on..off..on..off
Raabert : Boss..hamara signal kya hoga ?
Ajeet : bewkoof...off..on..off..on...
Raabert : Boss? Is kaa kyaa kare boss?
Ajeet : Rawbert! Is pille ko liquid oxygen me daal do. Liquid ise jeene nahi
dega, aur
oxygen ise marne nahi dega.
Peter : Boss is saale ka kya karen ?
Ajeet : Ise microprocessor mein daal do...BIT by BIT marega !
Robert : aur boss..iska kya karen ?
Ajeet : Ise hamlet poison khilado...sochta rahega, to be or not to be
!
Page 25 of 37
Scene: Ajeet ordering his chela to kill the enemy
Ajeet : "Raabert, Ise varnish mein daal do, saala mar bhi jaayega aur
finish bhi aa jaayegi.
Bob : Boss, mission par kaise jaaoon, mujhe headek ho raha hai.
Ajeet : Abe head ek ho ya do, kaam to karna hi padegak.!
Scene: Ajeet ordering his chela to kill the enemy
Ajeet : "Raabert, Isss Haramzaade ko social security pe daal doo Saale ko
Society jeene
nahin degea aur security isse marne nahin degea.
Scene: Ajeet is worried about something. Robert is facing him.
Ajeet : Shanker kaal bahuth bada maal Versova beach per aane wala
hain.....
A pause..... Tum chootti le lo.
Ajeet : Raabert, is bail kaa stool test karo.
Raabert : Stool, boss ?
Ajeet : Aakhir pataa chale ki ye bullshit kya cheez hai.
AMERICANIZATION
u don't open a telephone conversation with a HELLO but with a "Hi"
The telephone is never "engaged", it's always "busy".
U don't "disconnect" a phone, U simply "hang-up".
U never "mess-up" things, U only "screw them up".
U never have a "residence" tel. no., U have a "home" no.
U don't stop at the "signals", but halt at the "lights".
U don't "accelerate", U "step on the gas".
Your tire never "punctures", U may have a "flat".
The trains have "coaches" or "boggies' no more but "carriages" or "boxes".
There R no "petrol pumps", but "gas stations".
"I don't know nothing", 2 negatives don't make a positive here.
U no longer meet a "wonderful" person, U meet a "cool" guy
U don't pull the switch down to light a bulb,rather flick it up.
Page 26 of 37
There's no "Business Area" only "business districts", and no "districts" but
"counties".
No one stays "a stone's throw away", might"a few blocks away".
There's no "Town Side", it's "Down Town".
In hotel U no longer ask for "bill" and pay by "cheque", rather ask for "check" and
pay with (Dollar) "bill"s.
There R no "soft drinks", only "sodas".
Life's no longer "miserable" it "stinks".
U don't have a "great" time, U have a "ball".
U don't "sweat it out", U "work U'r butt off".
Never "post" a letter, always "mail" it and "glue" the stamps, don't "stick" them.
U no longer live in "flats" or "blocks", find an "apartment".
U don't stand in a "queue", you are in a "line".
U no longer "like" something, U "appreciate" it.
"#" is not "hash", it's "pound".
U R not "deaf", U have "impaired hearing".
U R not "lunatic", U are just "mentally challenged".
U R not "disgusting" U R "sick".
U can't get "surprised" U get "zapped".
U don't "schedule" a meeting, U "skejule" it.
U never "joke", U just "kid".
U never "increase" the pressure, U always "crank" it up.
U never ask for a pencil "rubber" U ask for an eraser. a rubber is a condom
U don't try to find a lift U find an elevator.
U no more ask for a route but for a "RAUT"
U don't ask somebody "How r u ?", U say "What's up dude?"
U never go to see a game U go to watch a game.
If U see "World" champions(or Series),read "USA"champions(or Series).
There's no "zero" but "o", no "Z" but "zee".
There's no FULL STOP after a statement, there's a PERIOD.
If someone gets angry at U, U get "flamed".
You don't say "How do you do", you say "How you doin"
In short U don't speak English, U speak American.
Well u dont' say life is boring u say LIFE SUCKS !!!!!
ARCHER
Page 27 of 37
A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants; he came across
a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an
arrow.
"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find him!"
After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy
carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the
arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.
"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did
you?" asked the duke worriedly.
"No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy."
"That is truly astonishing," said the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service." The
boy thanked him profusely.
"But I must ask one favor in return," the duke continued. "You must tell me how you
came to be such an outstanding shot."
"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target
around it."
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA
to NY. The lawyer leans over to
her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants
to take a nap, so she
politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer
persists, saying that the game is
really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question,
and if you don't
know the answer, you pay me, and visa versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to
get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he
will easily win the match, so he makes another
offer: "Okay, how about this "If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but
if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this
torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first
question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill, and
hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three
legs, and comes down with four?"
Page 28 of 37
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and
searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches
the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers
and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the
blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get
back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so
what IS the answer?"
Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and
goes back to sleep.
REST IN PEACE
A new business was opening, and a long-time friend of the owner decided to send
flowers for the occasion. He arrived
at the "grand opening", accepted a glass of champagne and a warm handshake from
his host, then browsed about the room examining the many floral arrangements and
potted plants. Finally, he happened upon his own offering, only to find an attached
card bearing this sentiment: "Rest in Peace"
Embarrassed and irate at the florist's error, he phoned to lodge a complaint. After
venting his anger in a lengthy tirade, he waited impatiently for the florist's
explanation. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting
angry....imagine this: Somewhere a funeral is taking place today, and they have a
lovely floral spray with an attached note saying: Congratulations on your new
location!"
Perplexing Paradox No. 1
A crocodile caught a kid and when kid's mother came for rescue, crocodile posed her
a question - 'U can make a statement. If you speak the truth in it, i will return your
kid . Otherwise i will eat him.' And the mother agreed.
The clever mother made the statement - "You will eat my kid'. Now, the crocodile is
in a dilemma of what to do.
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Perplexing paradox No. 2
A king caught the bandit chief and before punishing , offered him a statement. The
king said ' You can make a statement. If you say the truth in it, you will be shot and
if not you will be hanged ' . The clever bandit chief replied ' I will be hanged'. The
king got into a dilemma of what to do.
Perplexing Paradox No. 3
Few centuries ago, a Law teacher came across a student who was willing to learn but
was unable to pay the fee. The student struck a deal saying ' I would pay your fee
the day i win my first case in the court'.
Teacher agreed and proceeded with the law course.
When the course was finished and teacher started pestering the student to pay up
the fee, student reminded the deal and pushed days. Fed up with this, the teacher
decided to sue the student in the court of law and both of them decided to argue for
themselves.
The teacher put forward his argument saying : " If i win this case, as per the court
of law, student has to pay me.
And if i lose the case, student will still pay me because he would have won his first
case. So either way i will have to get the money ".
Equally brilliant student argued back saying : "If i win the case, as per the court of
law, i don't have to pay
anything to the teacher. And if i lose the case, i don't have to pay him because i
haven't won my first case yet. So either way, i am not going to pay the teacher
anything ".
Blonde Joke
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of
Bakersfield, a woman, who happened to be blonde, and new to boating was having a
problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft
Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in
almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.
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After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina.
Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed
everything was in perfect working order. The engine was fine, the outdrive went up
and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up
choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in
place, was the trailer.
TRAVELLERS SUBJECT
Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout
the world. You have to give the writers an 'E' for Effort.
.
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person
to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time
we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are
welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists,
and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.
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A sign posted in Germany's Black forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest
camping site that people
of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they
are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite
sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest
Methodists.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a
good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we
guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as
a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give
it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control
yourself..
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CAR RIDE
A guy is standing at a bus stop in the pouring rain with no coat or umbrella, when a
car slides up to the kerb and stops beside him. Thinking he has just been offered a
lift he opens the door and gets in relieved to be out of the wet. "Thanks pal I
thought I would never......" he looks across at the driver and there is no one in the
seat. Next thing the car moves off silently and for the next four miles it stops at
every red light, obeys every traffic law and finally comes to a stop at the top of the
road where the guy lives - he is by now is in a severe state of shock and anxiety and
the only reason he has not jumped from the car en-route is because it was travelling
so slowly that he knew he could get out at any time if something unearthly happened.
Anyway it was going his way and keeping him dry! Now it is stopped at the kerb again
just up the street from where he lives and the guy gets out, closes the door and as
he turns to head off home he bumps into another guy who is going to get into the car.
"Hey buddy I would not get in that car if I were you there's something weird about
it" "Yeah, I know" says the second guy " But I've just pushed it four miles and I
really need the rest".
TALK BETWEEN IT GUY AND A LABOURER
IT guy - (Asks worker) What do you have?
Daily Wage Construction Worker - .......stays * quite*
IT guy - I have Money, Name, Stock Options What do
you have?
Daily Wage Construction Worker - (Softly) I have work.
DIARY
Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's fun to cook for
Bob. Today I made an
angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have
enough bowls to do that,
so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.
Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, serve without
dressing." So I didn't dress. But, Bob happened to bring a friend home for supper
that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.
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Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "Wash thoroughly
before steaming the rice."So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming
the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can't say it improved the
rice any.
Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare
ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over
the garden by my mom's. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over
there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bob came over and asked if I felt all
right. I wonder why?
Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in a
bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been
something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the
same as when I left it.
Saturday: Bob went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to
dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never
noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I thought
the hen looked real cute. When Bob saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.
Sunday: Today Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in
the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast.
Must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger.
Good night, Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to
come, so I can try a new recipe on Bob.
Discrimination
On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg a middle-aged, white South African
Lady found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant
over to complain about her seating. "What seems to be the problem Madam?" asked
the attendant. "Can't you see?" she said " You've sat me next to a kaffir. "I can't
possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!" "Please calm down
Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what
I'll do-I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class."
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The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention
many of the surrounding passengers).
A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers
to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self
satisfied grin: "Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to
the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in
first class." Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues ... "It
is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get
special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt
that it was outrageous that someone be forced to sit next to such an obnoxious
person." With that, she turned to the black man sitting next to the woman, and said:
"So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have 1st class seat ready for you..." At
which point, apparently the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation
while the black guy walked up to the front of the plane.
DIVER
One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a
guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver
went below another 20 ft but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went
below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so
he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, "How the hell are you able
to stay under this deep without equipment?" The guy took the board and chalk,
erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!"
INTERVIEW
Subj: electrical engg
People come up with peculiar or funny answers in interviews or exams:
Interviewer: Why is a thicker conductor necessary to carry a current in A.C. as
compared to D.C. ?
Candidate: An AC current goes up and down (drawing a sinusoid) and requires more
space inside the wire, so the wire has to be thicker.
Interviewer: How will you tell if that wall outlet carries AC or DC ?
Candidate: I will put my finger in. If it is pushed away, it is DC. If it gets stuck, it
was AC.
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Interviewer: How will you reverse direction of an induction motor?
Candidate: I will remove the four bolts at the base, turn the motor around, and put
back the bolts.
Interviewer: How do you start a synchronous motor?
Candidate: Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising pitch)
Interviewer: Stop! Stop!
Candidate: rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling pitch)
Interviewer: How do you limit surge current within an integrated circuit?
Candidate: By using a miniature circuit breaker.
External (to student) : " Why does a capacitor block DC but allow AC to pass through
?
Student: See, a capacitor is like this ---| |--- , OK. DC Comes straight, like this -----
-----, and the capacitor stops it. But AC,goes UP, DOWN, Up DOWN and jumps right
over the capacitor!"
Examiner : "What is a step-up transformer?"
Student : "A transformer that is put on top of electric poles."
Examiner (smiling): "And then what is a step-down transformer?"
Student (hesitantly):"Uh - A transfomer that is put in the basement or in a pit?"
Examiner (pouncing): "Then what do you call a transformer that is installed on the
ground?"
(student knows he is caught -- can't answer)
Examiner (impatiently): "Well?"
Student (triumphantly): "A stepless transformer, sir!"
Elephant in a Bar
A man walks into a tavern and sees an elephant sitting at the bar with a large bowl of
cash placed in front of him. He walks up to the bar and the bartender explains " The
first person who can make the elephant laugh will win the $10,000 in the jar. " The
man casually walks up to the elephant and whispers something into his ear. All of the
sudden, the elephant starts laughing hysterically with his ears flapping and his trunk
bouncing up and down on the bar knocking over drink glasses. "I don't know what you
whispered, " said the bartender, :but here is your $10,000."
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A few weeks later, the same man entered the tavern and again saw the elephant at
the bar, only this time with a bowl of $20,000 in front of him. The bartender came
up to him and said, "Last time you were able to make him laugh, but I doubt you can
win this prize by making him cry." The man then walked over to the elephant and
stood directly in front of him so they were barely a few inches apart. The elephant
immediately started bawling, crying uncontrollably with his giant tears filling
nearby beer mugs.
The bartender gave the man his $20,000 prize but asked him. "What on earth did
you say to make the elephant first laugh and then cry?" "The first time", said the
man, " I told him that mine was bigger
than his" "The second time, " he continued, "I showed him"
Blonde Blitz....
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally
broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling
me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who
appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple
question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you
on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook
made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' The
blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to
have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
DHABA
Kakey da dhaaba (in London) has evoked another anecdote on cheap eating places. An
Indian abroad ran out of foreign exchange and went looking for the cheapest eating
place in town. He located an Indian restaurant and went in. He found three sections:
'European, Chinese, and Indian' He went into the Indian. It was divided into two:
Vegeterian and non-vegetarian. He went into the vegetarian which was further
divided into pure ghee and vanaspati. He went to the vanaspati section and found yet
another division: Cash or credit. Cheered at the prospect of not having to pay in
foreign exchange he opted for the
Credit section. When he got to it he found the sign: "Exit: get out."
Page 37 of 37
BEER TEST
Warning: Beer Contains Female Hormones
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at
their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed
the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes
men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It
was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without
making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally,
argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is
planned.

very nice collection..:)

 ;D

Santa bought a car on loan.
 
 He didn't pay the dues.
 
 The bank took away his car.
 
 Santa: If I knew this, I'd hav taken a loan 4 my marriage also!

wow these are really awesome jokes to read it really made me laugh a louder