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As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
~ Sir Norman Wisdom ~

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
~ Bob Hope ~

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
~ Gracie Allen ~

There is absolutely nothing to be said in favour of growing old. There ought to be leglislation against it.
~ Patrick Moore ~

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
~ Lucille Ball ~

Middle age is the time when a man is always thinking that in a week or two he will feel as good as ever.
~ Don Marquis ~

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.
~ George Burns (Just you and me Kid, 1979) ~

Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late.
~ Mike Tyson ~

You know you're getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
~ John Mendoza ~

As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't.
~ Carrie Fisher ~

As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.
~ Robert Quillen ~

People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body.
~ Geoffrey Parfitt ~

I'm back... and you knew I was coming. On my way here I passed a cinema with the sign 'The Mummy Returns'.
~ Margaret Thatcher (on campaigning for Conservative William Hague, May 2001) ~

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
~ George Burns ~

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas'.
~ Claude D. Pepper ~

Everybody wants to live forever, but nobody wants to grow old.
~ Jonathan Swift ~

One should never trust a woman who tells her real age. If she tells that, she'll tell anything.
~ Oscar Wilde ~

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
~ George Burns ~

To be seventy years young is sometimes far more cheerful and hopeful than to be forty years old.
~ Oliver Wendell Holmes ~

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
~ George Burns ~

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.
~ George Burns ~

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
~ Jack Benny ~

The age of a woman doesn't mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson ~

When you become senile, you won't know it.
~ Bill Cosby ~

First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.
~ Leo Rosenberg ~

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
~ Bill Cosby ~

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
~ Mark Twain ~

Women are not forgiven for aging. Robert Redford's lines of distinction are my old-age wrinkles.
~ Jane Fonda ~

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.
~ Bob Hope ~

It takes a long time to become young.
~ Pablo Picasso ~

How young can you die of old age?
~ Steven Wright ~

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
~ Agatha Christie ~

All diseases run into one, old age.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson ~

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
~ Mark Twain ~