Humour From Great Minds
 
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...  
Sir  Norman Wisdom
 
One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.  
Edgar Watson Howe
 
A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!
Doug  Larson
 
A harmful truth is always better then...a useful lie!  
Eric  Bolton
 
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
Erno  Philips
 
I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'.
Robert Paul
 
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.  
Phyllis  Diller
 
Laughter is the closest  distance between two people.
Victor Borge
 
Start every day with a smile and get it over with.  
W.C. Fields
 
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers
 
Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
Mickey  Rooney
 
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had:  work or prison.
Tim Allen
 
If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry you. I want to have children...' - they leave skid marks.
Rita Rudner
 
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
 
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
Erica Jong
 
Don't take life too seriously; you'll never get out of it alive.
Elbert Hubbard
 
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
Wendell  Johnson
 
In life, it's not who you know that's important, its how your wife found out.
Joey  Adams
 
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Henry  Youngman
 
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny  Hill